Lacking

It seems that I'm a bad bottom.

It's been said before that I'm hard to read and I've always found it difficult to communicate discomfort or unease; since I don't realize it at the time or don't understand what's happening within myself enough to convey it. I was even asked if I was okay this evening and I said everything was fine. I didn't realize at the time that I was indeed not okay.

Tonight confirmed to me some areas where I am lacking and where I need improvement. I was a stunt bottom at a rope group that I was attending. I was tied to another bottom and had a few ropes pressing against my collar bone. Usually for me, as the ropes are being tied, I feel incredibly secure and love the pressures and constriction. I thought that the pressure I was experiencing was just another part of that.

As I was held in that position I began to feel claustrophobic. I focused on breathing and I noticed how clammy I was getting, my stomach began to churn. Eventually I noticed that I was getting dizzy. It wasn't until that point that I said anything. One of the tops there knelt in-front of me and was speaking to me. I felt mostly coherent but then I heard white noise.

Another bottom next to me was cradling my face and looking at my eyes intensely with incredible concern. I realized that I couldn't hear and my vision was tunneled. I asked why he was looking at me like that and he informed me that I had passed out. I started to look around and I could see the worry and fear in other peoples eyes. Then I started to get scared. Why couldn't I hear?

On a side note, passing out was an interesting experience. I remember looking up and to the right. I lost track of time and I remember hearing garbled but clear voices and lots of whirling images and my mind went on some sort of wild journey very similar to my first experiences with being high. Coming out of it was awesome because all I could see where intense brown eyes and a face perfectly framed in black. My vision was the only sense I had that was sort of functioning.
As a result I was acutely aware of the concern in those eyes.

The top in-front of me pulled me into his arms and slowly lowered me to my side and then onto my back. I still felt dizzy, my head was pounding and I thought I was going to vomit. I looked up and everyone in the room was standing over me. I almost started crying but I saw how worried they all were and focused on breathing. I didn't want to worry any one anymore. I kept apologizing. I felt so bad that I hadn't said anything sooner or tried to convey the physiological things that had been happening. I was so embarrassed.

As I was sipping my water I refused any comfort verbal or otherwise for fear of waterworks. I made several lame attempts at humor, an old defense mechanism. I kept mulling over what had just happened and thinking about what I had done wrong. I was worried no one would want to tie me up anymore.

And, I was scared of the ropes.

In the positive though, this was the best place to have something go awry. Everyone acted quickly and I could tell I was in good hands. I now realize what passing out feels like and how to tell when it may happen again. The difficult part, is that many things in the 'Scene' are pretty dangerous and I know I can't always experience the edge- for fear of serious injury.

I thankfully received another offer to be tied up again. I said yes mostly to follow the old 'getting back on the horse' saying. I wanted a positive experience before leaving so that the previous one would not be so over powering.

I'm going to work on communicating better.