Doctors and Subs

There's a doctor in the clinic that everyone fears and avoids. Everyone that is, save me.

She is quick to anger, has very particular ways of doing things, requires complete control and becomes overwhelmed easily. She hesitates to trust any of the techs and she can cut a person to the quick with a single word.

When she first started working at our clinic I asked her why she had chosen the method she had on a certain case. She was instantly angry and ordered me to do as she asked. I almost started crying. Almost.

Later I explained that I was simply trying to learn from her and wasn't questioning her competence. She has many years of experience in the field. With that comes many archaic ways of doings things. However, there is often and ebb and flow to the field where the old is tossed out and later found to be the correct way to do something.

She terrifies me. I hesitate to do anything before she tells me too and I have to handle her with kid gloves when asking anything.

Yet, I'm fascinated by her and feel drawn in. I'm compelled to figure her out. Maybe it's the challenge. Honestly, I'm not sure what my motivation is.

Today she actually wanted me to accompany her in surgery. We were in there all day. She started explaining things to me. We chatted about personal stuff. She told me about how much the field has changed. She was one of 17 women in a class of 80. She even cracked a joke or two!

I love trying to predict what she'll need next. I am starting to figure out her moods and what her body language means.

I'm fairly certain she assumed I was an imbecile early on. She attempted to 'tell' me how to adjust my hold on an animal once. Obviously it didn't work out well. Over time I've explained to her that if she tries telling me something new, it goes right out the window, but if she shows me something I remember it forever. I must have, at one point, shown my intelligence to her somehow. I've noticed a change in how she interacts with me.

Later that day she showed me a model of a patella and a reference book. I realized she was teaching and explaining to me the intricacies of one of the procedures she had done earlier. She was taking an extra step.

In a way, this helps fill my submissive needs. I'm helping out, I have rules and I have to be empathetic to her moods. She still scares me, and I still don't prefer her as a person, but I am enjoying the work dynamic.

My Brain

Verbal communication drives me to the brink of crazy... written communication borders on being committed.

When I was a child learning how to tell time, I was given a word problem.

Jane gets home from school everyday, how long does it take her to eat an apple? 15min 30min or 2 hours?

My answer?

4 o'clock.

Every time I tell this story people burst out laughing. And then I see the look of confusion. At that point I explain. I got home at 3:45 every evening from school. If it took me 15min to eat the apple I would be done by 4 o'clock.

The biggest challenge for me has been learning how to communicate verbally with people. At times I feel like the dumb kid in class who's just smart enough to know it. With massive IQ testing, my teachers attempted to figure out what level of retarded to put me into. Turned out my genius was unchartable. I was HIGHLY visual spacial.

Every problem I've run into stems from this difference. It's a certain feeling I get and I know in those moments that I'm missing some important detail. When it comes to me, I have an "Aha" moment and things fall into place after that. 

What people say, is rarely what they are actually thinking. As I've developed, I learned how to read people in a very empathic way. I just 'know' what's going on when I watch. I can't explain it. I only know that I get an overall snap shot of them and all the many layers. And, that is how I connect.

My friends and family are constantly confused by my conclusions about things. But they've learned to ride the wave and wait for the explanation. And because I have no idea how to communicate the way others do, I over do it.

Einstein was once walking down a path and came acrossed a friend. They chatted for a while about theory and soon said their goodbyes for the day. Einstein stopped his friend and asked "When you saw my walking, was I walking towards my house or away from it?" His friend told him he was walking away, to which he responded, "Oh good, I've eaten lunch then".

I understand that oh so well.

Blah Blah Blah

A few days ago I was completely wrapped up in internal reflection. I'd come to the surprising realization that a few things I though were the fault of others were in fact issues that stemmed from myself.

The general whirling of my mind involved; mulling over details, reflecting on past events and trying to conceptualize the whole of my self and those I relate to on a personal level.

It seems I have... dun dun duhhn! Trust issues. Figurative slap on the forehead.

What blows my mind is that I thought I had dealt with these issues long ago. But it seems that my mind has decided that I have to be completely sure of it. It's interesting that when I decide on something there's always an event that will challenge my new found resolutions.

It certainly doesn't help that my past is somewhat traumatic. I've never completely shared the details of what happened to me to anyone. But, who I am is not the result of what someone else chose to do. Honestly, I sometimes feel that I hold too much to heart those events. On a comparative level they really aren't that terrible. It certainly could have been much worse.

So, I sought the support of my spiritual community. I sat in silence and I put my inner critic aside for a while. Quietly counting breath, feeling my body solidly planted on the floor and experiencing the amazing moment to moment with others; I found that the stress and internal warfare dissipated slightly.

As always, I figured out the problem, found some internal resolution, and let it go. I chose to be gentle with myself.