The Quest

Who am I?

This is the question I've asked since the age of 21 when I first set off on my own. What do I believe, what are my standards, how do I perceive the world?

My lofty goal of self discovery was one I'd seen others take and I felt it was the natural order of things to follow on my own.

So I stubbornly went for it, I dove into every demographic, every perception shift possible, submerged myself completely. I lost myself. Determined to try every piece of 'clothing' on I let go of what I knew, and what I believed. Eventually becoming obsessed with the thoughts and feelings of others. In my attempt to understand I forced myself to fit into one mold after another.

What did I learn?

I already knew who I was, what I believed, what my standards are and how I perceive the world. I've come full circle, and I'm not quite convinced that it was time well spent.

How did I arrive at these conclusions?

My life was falling apart the same as it always does every few years. Work was in chaos, everyone around me had an ulterior motive, loved ones were dissatisfied with me; I was dissatisfied with me. In the past picking up and starting again always seemed the right solution. I felt as if I was perhaps not leading the life I was meant to and needed a change. To some degree this thinking was correct but not for the reasons I was rationalizing.

My biggest realization occurred when I mentally tore myself from the twirling depths of mental chaos. I sat quietly and regrouped. Taking it all in, I realized that with all aspects of my life falling apart, the one constant was myself. I was the cause, my behavior was the catalyst.

Knowing this I didn't know what to do next. So, I meditated for days and sat with it non judgmentally.

And then I stopped caring about how others perceived me. I started following my internal code of ethics. I did the cliche and followed my gut.

Things changed rapidly. My life began to fall into order. Not running away, staying put and facing what was happening... I can't explain it fully, but it worked this time. I felt confidence bloom. I knew who I was and what I believed deep down.

Reflecting on it more... it was who I've always been.

My Very Special 4th

I've missed my family and the life I had growing up in my hometown. My parents' house is over 100 years old with tall ceilings and crown molding galore. My childhood room is like a vortex of silence. The sleep I've had the past two days was more like a coma.

I simply love watching all 1500 people come out and put on their little parade. There were logging trucks with banners, the local Buddhists playing music on bongos, all the princesses practicing their waves and tractors operated by 8 year olds. Everyone moves at a slow pace and are open, cracking jokes on the fly. Little stands of fireworks and lemonade were nestled in the moderately sized park.

But, what I really enjoyed during that time, was painting the faces of small children. I have to admit my mothers' set up is quite amazing. The paints were perfect in this weather. And what I really get a kick out of is the kids faces as they're being painted. They slip into a slight daze and on several occasions will fall asleep. I talk lowly and quietly to them as I paint away, similar to how I calm nervous dogs. They nod quietly or smile gently. The exchange of energy is so enlightening. The looks on their faces as they gaze at their reflection in the mirror and the wowed exclamations from their families, just lifts the spirits.

It's easy to go home and fall into that ease and comfort. My family understands and accepts me in a way that I've never found elsewhere. My dad watched his car races and my mom made hamburgers in the kitchen. The rest of the family filtered in and out throughout the day and there were hugs all around.

I feel lucky to have grown up in such a great family and I intend to touch base with this environment more frequently.