Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Greasy High Fives
The mopies are setting in again. Slowly this time. I have this image of myself wearing a lab coat and taped black rimmed glasses, holding a clip board and checking off boxes with a number 2 pencil.
I have somehow maintained a sort of objective observation of my minds path. I've found that after a play session, about two days later, I feel disconnected from people in general. Either I don't want to put the effort in to make good conversation, or I mentally push others away from me. The funny thing is I feel a sort of desperation for unsolicited external confirmation of my self worth.
Last night my roommate had a wild hair and decided that 10:30pm is the perfect time to change his fuel filter on his truck. I suddenly felt compelled to go down and see how he was attempting to accomplish this task. He was wedged under the chassis with his head lamp on. He was cursing at the slippery bolts and the trickling gas landing on his face. I laughed inside, plopped down next to him on the darkened street and started handing him tools before he asked for them. He was a little surprised that I knew what he needed. But was so focused, he continued with his mission. He briefly said 'thanks dude' and we dirty high-fived at the end.
That was it. That was all I needed. A chance to help and a pat on the back. Getting out of my head and simply helping seems to be the trick. It doesn't have to be something huge either, just cleaning the house, working diligently at my job, stopping at a crosswalk etc. These things bring me back.
I have to sort of force myself to get out and do these things, but they make me feel good inside after. It's almost like playing focuses a lot of attention on me and starts to monopolize how my mind processes and keeps the focus internal. I have to take that wonderful energy offered during play, appreciate it and then turn it out wards.
I hope this isn't a false epiphany. Only time will tell.
I have somehow maintained a sort of objective observation of my minds path. I've found that after a play session, about two days later, I feel disconnected from people in general. Either I don't want to put the effort in to make good conversation, or I mentally push others away from me. The funny thing is I feel a sort of desperation for unsolicited external confirmation of my self worth.
Last night my roommate had a wild hair and decided that 10:30pm is the perfect time to change his fuel filter on his truck. I suddenly felt compelled to go down and see how he was attempting to accomplish this task. He was wedged under the chassis with his head lamp on. He was cursing at the slippery bolts and the trickling gas landing on his face. I laughed inside, plopped down next to him on the darkened street and started handing him tools before he asked for them. He was a little surprised that I knew what he needed. But was so focused, he continued with his mission. He briefly said 'thanks dude' and we dirty high-fived at the end.
That was it. That was all I needed. A chance to help and a pat on the back. Getting out of my head and simply helping seems to be the trick. It doesn't have to be something huge either, just cleaning the house, working diligently at my job, stopping at a crosswalk etc. These things bring me back.
I have to sort of force myself to get out and do these things, but they make me feel good inside after. It's almost like playing focuses a lot of attention on me and starts to monopolize how my mind processes and keeps the focus internal. I have to take that wonderful energy offered during play, appreciate it and then turn it out wards.
I hope this isn't a false epiphany. Only time will tell.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Second Act Scene One
I've gotten over most of the trepidation that I feel towards canes. I went to the canning workshop for the specific intention to understand it's use and see other ways in which caning can be applied.
And today, I went to a caning party with a wonderful couple.
I had little fear of losing my clothing, save a cute pair of leopard print panties, since all the other bottoms around me were similarly in a state of undress. I was instructed to lay on my back on the table as both the male and female tops hovered around me with their instruments of choice. I found myself closing my eyes for the most part, to cut out any distraction and focus on the sensations. My nipples are by far the most sensitive part of my frontal anatomy.
The interesting thing was that I found my attention being drawn to the different sensations created by each individual. The female top had a talent for creating the stingy sensations and the male was proficient at creating the deeper thudiness. One sensation would grab my mind and the other would pull it back. Back and forth, back and forth.
The beginning was very sensual and quite pleasant. Then I was instructed to roll over. This is where the rest of the session was focused. As I fell deeper into my body and the sensations created I found that I stopped isolating each tops technique. I was forced in a way to do so.
The backs of my upper legs, we discovered, are extremely sensitive. Just as I was reaching the point where the pain was white in my mind and shooting through my body they would pause and deeply caress the area sending warm pulsing sensations and fits of giggles through me. I really enjoyed the constant caresses of my extremities and warmed skin. It created a sort of connection and kept the confusing differences coursing through me. I could feel the moment when I slipped into that warm glow and mind numbness.
After wards they sat me in a very soft and fluffy chair, both individuals caressing and holding me. I sipped the cool water offered and nestled into the chair. I was on the verge of tears but held back for fear of confusing the tops. When I cry it seems, it is a release of all of the emotions and overwhelming sensations, rarely out of sadness. Eventually I fell into a pretty deep sleep.
Upon waking I felt the urge to relieve my bladder and found that I was quite wet. I ate a snack and returned to my chair. Eventually I redressed and watched the male top work on the female bottom. I walked to her upper body and caressed her as she had done for me.
I found my submissive self back in full. She was in-charge of my mind and I could feel the concern for those around me as well as the all embodying empathy that I am able to deeply touch on when in that mind space.
We discussed what was liked and disliked (almost nothing honestly) and shared what was felt. They told me it was difficult to read when I was reaching my edge. I found it difficult to convey more or less pain because I didn't like to feel as if I were leading the scene. I wish to trust my top enough to read my body language. However, I can see that being unreasonable at least in the beginning. After all they aren't mind readers.
When I arrived home I changed into comfortable clothing and sat on my porch. It was still warm and sunny outside with a gentle breeze. I heard strains of a violin being played and it pulled me back into the sensations I'd felt. As I rode the wave of sensations, I got wet again.
I'm blushing at this moment because the scenes I've experienced rarely take me to a sensual place. I continued my 'after care' in my bedroom. It was quick and whole bodied.
My roommates commented about my appearance saying that I looked great and calmly happy. They were unaware of where I'd been and what I'd been doing.
I fixed myself a nice 'linner' did some emailing and fell asleep for several hours. Upon waking in this moment I still feel the glow and deeply tired. When I move around my attention is drawn to tender spots, but it's a pleasant sensation.
Overall it was a wonderful experience and I'm excited about the many prospects to explore the wide range of sensation play. I feel very content.
And today, I went to a caning party with a wonderful couple.
I had little fear of losing my clothing, save a cute pair of leopard print panties, since all the other bottoms around me were similarly in a state of undress. I was instructed to lay on my back on the table as both the male and female tops hovered around me with their instruments of choice. I found myself closing my eyes for the most part, to cut out any distraction and focus on the sensations. My nipples are by far the most sensitive part of my frontal anatomy.
The interesting thing was that I found my attention being drawn to the different sensations created by each individual. The female top had a talent for creating the stingy sensations and the male was proficient at creating the deeper thudiness. One sensation would grab my mind and the other would pull it back. Back and forth, back and forth.
The beginning was very sensual and quite pleasant. Then I was instructed to roll over. This is where the rest of the session was focused. As I fell deeper into my body and the sensations created I found that I stopped isolating each tops technique. I was forced in a way to do so.
The backs of my upper legs, we discovered, are extremely sensitive. Just as I was reaching the point where the pain was white in my mind and shooting through my body they would pause and deeply caress the area sending warm pulsing sensations and fits of giggles through me. I really enjoyed the constant caresses of my extremities and warmed skin. It created a sort of connection and kept the confusing differences coursing through me. I could feel the moment when I slipped into that warm glow and mind numbness.
After wards they sat me in a very soft and fluffy chair, both individuals caressing and holding me. I sipped the cool water offered and nestled into the chair. I was on the verge of tears but held back for fear of confusing the tops. When I cry it seems, it is a release of all of the emotions and overwhelming sensations, rarely out of sadness. Eventually I fell into a pretty deep sleep.
Upon waking I felt the urge to relieve my bladder and found that I was quite wet. I ate a snack and returned to my chair. Eventually I redressed and watched the male top work on the female bottom. I walked to her upper body and caressed her as she had done for me.
I found my submissive self back in full. She was in-charge of my mind and I could feel the concern for those around me as well as the all embodying empathy that I am able to deeply touch on when in that mind space.
We discussed what was liked and disliked (almost nothing honestly) and shared what was felt. They told me it was difficult to read when I was reaching my edge. I found it difficult to convey more or less pain because I didn't like to feel as if I were leading the scene. I wish to trust my top enough to read my body language. However, I can see that being unreasonable at least in the beginning. After all they aren't mind readers.
When I arrived home I changed into comfortable clothing and sat on my porch. It was still warm and sunny outside with a gentle breeze. I heard strains of a violin being played and it pulled me back into the sensations I'd felt. As I rode the wave of sensations, I got wet again.
I'm blushing at this moment because the scenes I've experienced rarely take me to a sensual place. I continued my 'after care' in my bedroom. It was quick and whole bodied.
My roommates commented about my appearance saying that I looked great and calmly happy. They were unaware of where I'd been and what I'd been doing.
I fixed myself a nice 'linner' did some emailing and fell asleep for several hours. Upon waking in this moment I still feel the glow and deeply tired. When I move around my attention is drawn to tender spots, but it's a pleasant sensation.
Overall it was a wonderful experience and I'm excited about the many prospects to explore the wide range of sensation play. I feel very content.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Connection
I spent my evening listening.
When I stopped speaking and shut off the mental dialogue while just honestly listening, was when I felt most connected to all of those around me.
I experienced people who were numb from emotional overload, escaping pain, enjoying the excitement of discovery, stable and also listening to others etc.
I was randomly hugged and caressed by those who wished to share contact and accepted it for what it was. A way to connect.
Later I went to a pro dommes' house with someone who was balanced and searching and another who was struggling with their disconnect. She (the domme) a woman of much life experience, was talking about what she found to be important in life. It brought the image of Harold and Maude to mind. The more I sat quietly and only made acknowledgment type sounds and a few anecdotes the more calm I became inside. I attempted non judgment about the disconnected individual and found bits of myself within him.
As the evening came to an appropriate end for me I left the house and walked quietly to my car. I slept well that evening and upon waking the next morning I still had that centered calm.
The experience was similar to a seven day retreat I attended where there was no communication and meditation for 8 hours a day. Towards the end of the week I found that everyone around me had been struggling as hard as I had been and I felt a deep connection with them without having to discuss it. They felt the same depth of connection with me and knew nothing about the particulars of myself.
I love the merit in listening and sharing in moments for those moments. And I appreciate the connection I feel with those around me. There is a particular draw that this maintained mind set has that draws others to me.
It's very pleasant.
When I stopped speaking and shut off the mental dialogue while just honestly listening, was when I felt most connected to all of those around me.
I experienced people who were numb from emotional overload, escaping pain, enjoying the excitement of discovery, stable and also listening to others etc.
I was randomly hugged and caressed by those who wished to share contact and accepted it for what it was. A way to connect.
Later I went to a pro dommes' house with someone who was balanced and searching and another who was struggling with their disconnect. She (the domme) a woman of much life experience, was talking about what she found to be important in life. It brought the image of Harold and Maude to mind. The more I sat quietly and only made acknowledgment type sounds and a few anecdotes the more calm I became inside. I attempted non judgment about the disconnected individual and found bits of myself within him.
As the evening came to an appropriate end for me I left the house and walked quietly to my car. I slept well that evening and upon waking the next morning I still had that centered calm.
The experience was similar to a seven day retreat I attended where there was no communication and meditation for 8 hours a day. Towards the end of the week I found that everyone around me had been struggling as hard as I had been and I felt a deep connection with them without having to discuss it. They felt the same depth of connection with me and knew nothing about the particulars of myself.
I love the merit in listening and sharing in moments for those moments. And I appreciate the connection I feel with those around me. There is a particular draw that this maintained mind set has that draws others to me.
It's very pleasant.
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