I keep having dreams about Gwen. For the past seven days she's entered my dreams at odd points. My first thought is that she has passed, why is she back? And then I realize that she is ill again. She keeps coming to me to die. Over and over.
I was at my families and it was interesting to step back and watch them interact. There was great debate about everything imaginable and I had a moment of clarity when I realized that this was a sort of transition in focus with my father's worsening. I didn't see before that they are suffering just as much as I am. Some part of me thought they had it more together than I did.
I had a quiet moment with my mother and we talked about my recent struggles with living alone. I see oddities in myself that are socially trying. I can feel the paranoia taking over at times. And the loneliness is definitely present.
My mother listened to my description of the dreams I've been having. She posed the question that perhaps my dreams are not actually of Gwen. We had a very candid conversation. It was nice just being honest and open.
When my sister lost her husband suddenly, she found herself on the psych ward in the hospital. A week later I asked her about the experience and surprisingly she said it was the most liberating moment of her life. Everyone there was already expected to be 'crazy' and she said that she found who she was in that place with the freedom to say and do as she wished.
My past relationship had strong emphasis on open and honest communication. I saw that it benefited in a way that allowed me to stop pondering the hidden meanings behind what was said.
I don't know what all of this means but I feel like it's connected somehow.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
An even more difficult year
I just got this email from my mother...
Well,
Well,
I was going to call each of you individually... but frankly I can't stand to cry that much. So... I'm sending an email so you'll all know what's happening with your Dad.
All of his tumors are growing, some have quadrupled in size and there are new tumors too. So, he's definitely off the study. Which is a good thing because it caused bad sores in his mouth, making it difficult for him to eat. And it also made him sleep all the time. He's lost over 20 pounds over the last few weeks. So, they'll be moving on to the next level of chemo.
They use each round of chemo until it's not effective any more and the tumors start growing again. And there are only about 6 or 7 different kinds that are used to fight his kind of cancer. Dr. * said that we are entering the 4th round of chemo and with that comes certain things.
Each level of chemo is stronger and the side effects are worse. He's going to start the next round on Tuesday and only has to travel once a week, which is nice. With this chemo he has to take steroids because there is a high incidence of allergic reaction. The drug attacks the cancer, but also attacks the nervous system and most people will have painful tingling in their fingers and toes. The effectiveness of this drug is about 8 weeks. At that point, the tumors will start growing again and they'll have to move to the next level.
Each level of chemo becomes less and less effective and lasts for a shorter time. He will be on chemo forever at this point, unless he decides he needs a break. Dr. * told him that at some point he might want to stop chemo all together. That it's not giving up, it's just saying I'm tired and I need a break. I'm glad she said that. Because we make such a big deal about "never give up, never surrender" at chess club and I didn't want him to think it also applied to this... refusing to play the game is a perfectly valid thing to do too.
Dr. * talked to us about hospice care. Not right now. But, it is coming. She said you can always hope that one of these drugs will react favorably with the cancer and he'll get significantly better. But the chances of that are very low. She said that we'll start with hospice when your father gets too tired to travel to the city, or the side effects are just too uncomfortable for a drive.
Okay, so that's everything I know right now.
I don't think your Dad wants to talk about the cancer. It makes him feel sad. So, just come and spend time with him. Play cribbage. Watch TV. If he wants to talk about things, he will. We have to be strong for him and for each other.
Love,
Mom
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Too much
I feel so beat down right now...I just don't know what to do with my life. It feels as though everything has reached a head all at once and the stress of it all is so overwhelming.
I moved to this place for my first love, my dog Gwen.
She was feeling so poorly towards the end. Three days ago she wasn't able to walk. She handn't eaten in two days and she kept getting so pale. I carried her to the clinic and we started the gauntlet of test. Xrays, blood work, ultrasound, biopsies, specialists, IV fluids etc. She was anemic and her PCV kept dropping out of control. Her pancreas had a necrotic nodule, her liver was riddled with bumps her lungs were filling with an opportunistic upper respiratory disease. No one had answers and she was getting worse by the second. The medications were sky rocketing, I couldn't sleep from worry. She was hooked up to so many things and transporting her back and forth...sigh.
My whole world revolves around her and has for years now. She was so devoted to me so loyal. My very best friend. A surrogate child.
The doctors thought she had Immune mediated hemolitic anemia. Her immune system was killing her. Yesterday she had an accident in the house and it was full of blood I was fretting over that when she stumbled looked at me in fear and confusion and collapsed. I threw her in the car, rushed to the clinic. Her liver had failed her kidneys were failing, she was breathing so hard. They wanted to do a blood transfusion. Then the oncologist said she had some sort of infiltrative sarcoma, untreatable cancer, that was hitting every system.
It's so much like my fathers situation.
She was so out of it and I was sobbing. My heart. I felt like I was dying. At some point Gwen and I had an intense moment. We were very in tune with each other. I told her it was okay to let go. A few moments later she started to crash. We barely had enough time to euthanize her before the died. She was so scared. In so much pain. And she was gone from my life forever.
When I got home the carbon monoxide alarm was going off. I'd had a leak of some sort. My fish and plants were all dead and I had no where to go. All I wanted was a shower. The bank called. I'm more than poor at this moment. Then the poly thing came up. I have to talk to my partner's partner. I feel so much love for him, I'm working on it. I feel so much empathy for everyone else involved it effects my physiologically. Everyone is confused about things with eachother. Worried about motivations and feelings. I stress over so much of it that I can't control.
I feel like I'm walking in some sort of cloud. As if, should I take a second to look at everything, my whole world will disintegrate. I have understanding that things always happen at the same time. I remember someone telling me once that 'god' gives you as much as you can handle plus a little bit more. But honestly this is too much. I'm at my base fight or flight.
But I'm staying still.
One thing at a time. Today I'll get dressed, go to work. Later I'll talk to the partner. Tomorrow I'll get a loan somewhere. Taking things in the moment is all I can do and all I have control over. I need a rest. I just want to find a protective nest where I don't have to deal with anything right now, hoping that things will work out on their own. That is just a fantasy though.
This is real life.
I moved to this place for my first love, my dog Gwen.
She was feeling so poorly towards the end. Three days ago she wasn't able to walk. She handn't eaten in two days and she kept getting so pale. I carried her to the clinic and we started the gauntlet of test. Xrays, blood work, ultrasound, biopsies, specialists, IV fluids etc. She was anemic and her PCV kept dropping out of control. Her pancreas had a necrotic nodule, her liver was riddled with bumps her lungs were filling with an opportunistic upper respiratory disease. No one had answers and she was getting worse by the second. The medications were sky rocketing, I couldn't sleep from worry. She was hooked up to so many things and transporting her back and forth...sigh.
My whole world revolves around her and has for years now. She was so devoted to me so loyal. My very best friend. A surrogate child.
The doctors thought she had Immune mediated hemolitic anemia. Her immune system was killing her. Yesterday she had an accident in the house and it was full of blood I was fretting over that when she stumbled looked at me in fear and confusion and collapsed. I threw her in the car, rushed to the clinic. Her liver had failed her kidneys were failing, she was breathing so hard. They wanted to do a blood transfusion. Then the oncologist said she had some sort of infiltrative sarcoma, untreatable cancer, that was hitting every system.
It's so much like my fathers situation.
She was so out of it and I was sobbing. My heart. I felt like I was dying. At some point Gwen and I had an intense moment. We were very in tune with each other. I told her it was okay to let go. A few moments later she started to crash. We barely had enough time to euthanize her before the died. She was so scared. In so much pain. And she was gone from my life forever.
When I got home the carbon monoxide alarm was going off. I'd had a leak of some sort. My fish and plants were all dead and I had no where to go. All I wanted was a shower. The bank called. I'm more than poor at this moment. Then the poly thing came up. I have to talk to my partner's partner. I feel so much love for him, I'm working on it. I feel so much empathy for everyone else involved it effects my physiologically. Everyone is confused about things with eachother. Worried about motivations and feelings. I stress over so much of it that I can't control.
I feel like I'm walking in some sort of cloud. As if, should I take a second to look at everything, my whole world will disintegrate. I have understanding that things always happen at the same time. I remember someone telling me once that 'god' gives you as much as you can handle plus a little bit more. But honestly this is too much. I'm at my base fight or flight.
But I'm staying still.
One thing at a time. Today I'll get dressed, go to work. Later I'll talk to the partner. Tomorrow I'll get a loan somewhere. Taking things in the moment is all I can do and all I have control over. I need a rest. I just want to find a protective nest where I don't have to deal with anything right now, hoping that things will work out on their own. That is just a fantasy though.
This is real life.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Punishment
This evening... Well, let me explain.
I hung out with a sub friend of mine playing games with an huge group of friends. For some time the two of us have wanted to be intimate with eachother and there were several lesbians at the game night. My friend and I became very excited at the prospect of exploring eachother and left quite early from the fun.
Her husband and Dom was at home and we were hoping to create an interesting scene. I've played with them before and feel quite comfortable with the two of them, even more so now that we understand and know eachother better.
When we arrived home He was in quite the mood. So, she and I started exploring on our own. Now, this is something that has been discussed with the two of them previously.
We both were new to homosexual exploration and giggled like sisters. Neither of us knew what to do and neither of us took a dominant role to move things forward. We took it to the bedroom and just touched eachother. She was amazingly soft, curvy and gentle. She recomended bringing out the strap on.
She helped me figure out the straps and do dads. I had no idea how difficult men have it. Granted I couldn't feel my 'cock'. But she seemed to be enjoying it. We switched and I have to say that was quite pleasant. The great thing about adding the toy was that it helped establish loose roles. She had me on my stomach and was in me from behind when he came in.
I could tell by her body language that things weren't okay. He was angry that we hadn't asked permission. He was quite right. We defiantly overstepped our bounds. I'd had passing warning thoughts about what we were doing. I had no idea he would feel so strongly about it. I felt like a child caught stealing cookies. He grilled my friend and then took out the cane. I shuddered instantly.
With the person I play with regularly we've established the cane for punishment only. I've always been terrified of the object and felt silly for associating so much fear with it. Through conversation with him we linked the cane to specific moments in my childhood. The sound of the swooshing sends bolts of panic through me and I want desperately to run away. It brings me back to those feelings of helplessness and terror.
He had her on the edge of the bed and made me count each thwack. I was crying as I watched her receive the punishment. Every swing made me jump like it was happening to me too. I was curled up on the opposite corner of the bed clutching a pillow. At one point I stopped counting, panicked and quickly recounted the sounds I'd heard.
After 30 strikes he told me to get on the edge of the bed. There was a passing thought of just running away. But I couldn't even consider it, I knew I deserved it. My friend is certainly more of a masochist than I. I was terrified that I would receive the same treatment as it was almost too much for her.
15 strikes later with me sobbing on the bed he told us to continue and left the room closing the door behind him. She and I held one another crying and apologizing to eachother.
It's not exactaly how I hoped the evening would go. Still, on some level it was compelling. To be brought to that state is always an interesting journey. I don't enjoy the process of getting there, and the residual feelings of guilt and unworthiness linger for a while.
It seems that my friend and I are constantly getting into trouble. I worry that he won't want me around anymore.
I know I can be a better sub.
I hung out with a sub friend of mine playing games with an huge group of friends. For some time the two of us have wanted to be intimate with eachother and there were several lesbians at the game night. My friend and I became very excited at the prospect of exploring eachother and left quite early from the fun.
Her husband and Dom was at home and we were hoping to create an interesting scene. I've played with them before and feel quite comfortable with the two of them, even more so now that we understand and know eachother better.
When we arrived home He was in quite the mood. So, she and I started exploring on our own. Now, this is something that has been discussed with the two of them previously.
We both were new to homosexual exploration and giggled like sisters. Neither of us knew what to do and neither of us took a dominant role to move things forward. We took it to the bedroom and just touched eachother. She was amazingly soft, curvy and gentle. She recomended bringing out the strap on.
She helped me figure out the straps and do dads. I had no idea how difficult men have it. Granted I couldn't feel my 'cock'. But she seemed to be enjoying it. We switched and I have to say that was quite pleasant. The great thing about adding the toy was that it helped establish loose roles. She had me on my stomach and was in me from behind when he came in.
I could tell by her body language that things weren't okay. He was angry that we hadn't asked permission. He was quite right. We defiantly overstepped our bounds. I'd had passing warning thoughts about what we were doing. I had no idea he would feel so strongly about it. I felt like a child caught stealing cookies. He grilled my friend and then took out the cane. I shuddered instantly.
With the person I play with regularly we've established the cane for punishment only. I've always been terrified of the object and felt silly for associating so much fear with it. Through conversation with him we linked the cane to specific moments in my childhood. The sound of the swooshing sends bolts of panic through me and I want desperately to run away. It brings me back to those feelings of helplessness and terror.
He had her on the edge of the bed and made me count each thwack. I was crying as I watched her receive the punishment. Every swing made me jump like it was happening to me too. I was curled up on the opposite corner of the bed clutching a pillow. At one point I stopped counting, panicked and quickly recounted the sounds I'd heard.
After 30 strikes he told me to get on the edge of the bed. There was a passing thought of just running away. But I couldn't even consider it, I knew I deserved it. My friend is certainly more of a masochist than I. I was terrified that I would receive the same treatment as it was almost too much for her.
15 strikes later with me sobbing on the bed he told us to continue and left the room closing the door behind him. She and I held one another crying and apologizing to eachother.
It's not exactaly how I hoped the evening would go. Still, on some level it was compelling. To be brought to that state is always an interesting journey. I don't enjoy the process of getting there, and the residual feelings of guilt and unworthiness linger for a while.
It seems that my friend and I are constantly getting into trouble. I worry that he won't want me around anymore.
I know I can be a better sub.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Fetlife's "Sit on Santa's Lap"
Only two days left to enter for awesomeness. If you didn't get what you really wanted Kinky related enter ASAP. I entered for Boss's Rope, a Corset and an I-Lusting Cordless Vibrator. So, just don't pick those things and we can still be friends.
Where to go
Good luck!
Where to go
Good luck!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Le Sigh
Casually getting hot and heavy with and acquanitence last night was the best way to end the year I think.
It won't happen again. At least not in that way. I tried to convey that this was just an experiment, that I was wanting to explore with him but I didn't really want anything else. I gave him the opportunity to stop. We proceeded and then he talked about relationships. Concidering what he was wanting I felt like an idiot for not talking more ahead of time.
Good things: It was fun, I liked seeing how another person is in an intimate situation, I tried a few new things, I enjoyed suprising him with my eagerness and inabition, it felt damn good, he is very attractive in a very different way than I'm used to, he was quite passionate, I'm glad I didn't actually have intercourse with him, he gained enough confidence from the encounter with me to approach a young lady talk to her and then take her to his room later.
Bad things: I felt dirty after (and not in a good way), I struggled with his thoughts and behavior towards me, it was difficult watching him struggle with jealousy and confusion, he was a terrible kisser, when we were talking after I was not impressed with his character, it's certainly not something I want to repeat, I missed 'him' while it was happening and couldn't help comparing.
All in all an interesting adventure. In the future more conversation is defiantly needed, I would prefer at least wanting a relationship of some type before being intimate. I still need to process what actually happened and how I feel about it.
Given the chance to go back and re-decide, I would most likely have said 'no'.
It won't happen again. At least not in that way. I tried to convey that this was just an experiment, that I was wanting to explore with him but I didn't really want anything else. I gave him the opportunity to stop. We proceeded and then he talked about relationships. Concidering what he was wanting I felt like an idiot for not talking more ahead of time.
Good things: It was fun, I liked seeing how another person is in an intimate situation, I tried a few new things, I enjoyed suprising him with my eagerness and inabition, it felt damn good, he is very attractive in a very different way than I'm used to, he was quite passionate, I'm glad I didn't actually have intercourse with him, he gained enough confidence from the encounter with me to approach a young lady talk to her and then take her to his room later.
Bad things: I felt dirty after (and not in a good way), I struggled with his thoughts and behavior towards me, it was difficult watching him struggle with jealousy and confusion, he was a terrible kisser, when we were talking after I was not impressed with his character, it's certainly not something I want to repeat, I missed 'him' while it was happening and couldn't help comparing.
All in all an interesting adventure. In the future more conversation is defiantly needed, I would prefer at least wanting a relationship of some type before being intimate. I still need to process what actually happened and how I feel about it.
Given the chance to go back and re-decide, I would most likely have said 'no'.
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