It's a strange moment when I realize that my body isn't mine anymore.
We've been hanging out as friends. I could feel the desire to have more constantly fraying at my nerves. He knew this either consciously or subconsciously and toyed with that knowledge consistently.
Tonight I finally accepted that I am not in control.
I even masturbated before going over for the evening. I let it be what it was and enjoyed watching a movie, eating pizza and laughing at laughable things. He would touch me or just look at me in 'that way'. I can't help what happens to me. I'm so susceptible to the tiniest changes with him.
I've fought it for so long. When he starts 'things' I submit immediately. When he stops I switch back to friend mode. I suddenly realized the freedom in letting him lead where the evening flowed.
I have been in control of myself for so long, I didn't realize that it was okay to let go. It's truly what I've been constantly trying to achieve. I feel so comfortable in his presence and I trust him completely. He reads me better than even my best friends because he knows an even more intimate side of me.
The grasping that I've felt since the 'break up' has finally passed. I find myself enjoying this new dynamic for many different reasons. Granted, it's not the same as the previous one, but I still feel content and that my needs are being met.
Here's to hoping I trust myself well enough to know if things need evolving again.
In these moments, I'm happy. That's what matters honestly.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Stress
I sit in my incredibly tiny cottage in an alien area of town. It's strange being on my own yet again. I have deep seated fears that I'm going to become lonely and weird again. I am beginning to succumb already. I feel as though I'm in exile.
My landlord informed me that the neighbors are unfriendly and possessive of their areas. I can't help but sigh inside. I feel the constant pressure to accommodate any person I'm around no matter where I live and the steady stress of it wears.
To top it off my old roommate and childhood friend shed no tears at my leaving. He was quite neutral about the whole endeavor. I've known for a while that there is a decided separation slowly developing between us. It was saddening to have it confirmed.
Today he informs me that my dog is no longer welcome at the old place.
My dog.
Gwen.
She is the greatest source of tension for me. The move was to accommodate her medical conditions. I know that in her old age with the behavior issues that come with that, that she is grudgingly accepted by friends. No one says it outright, but body language and subtle comments make their feelings for her known.
Every time she barks I worry, every time she has an accident I feel mortified. Thoughts of constantly scheduling walks, how much time she can be left alone, how to bring her with me places etc rifle through my head.
Yet with all the responsibility of her, she has always been my constant companion. She makes this cottage feel like a home, her abject devotion tugs at me heart. I know I don't have much longer with her and I feel badly for these resentful thoughts.
The endless pool of positive thoughts I generally have has now become a puddle. I know I need to refill it somehow. I don't want to expect people to keep me from myself. Perhaps this change will be a searching within, a way to find independence. Maybe I'll go crazy.
My landlord informed me that the neighbors are unfriendly and possessive of their areas. I can't help but sigh inside. I feel the constant pressure to accommodate any person I'm around no matter where I live and the steady stress of it wears.
To top it off my old roommate and childhood friend shed no tears at my leaving. He was quite neutral about the whole endeavor. I've known for a while that there is a decided separation slowly developing between us. It was saddening to have it confirmed.
Today he informs me that my dog is no longer welcome at the old place.
My dog.
Gwen.
She is the greatest source of tension for me. The move was to accommodate her medical conditions. I know that in her old age with the behavior issues that come with that, that she is grudgingly accepted by friends. No one says it outright, but body language and subtle comments make their feelings for her known.
Every time she barks I worry, every time she has an accident I feel mortified. Thoughts of constantly scheduling walks, how much time she can be left alone, how to bring her with me places etc rifle through my head.
Yet with all the responsibility of her, she has always been my constant companion. She makes this cottage feel like a home, her abject devotion tugs at me heart. I know I don't have much longer with her and I feel badly for these resentful thoughts.
The endless pool of positive thoughts I generally have has now become a puddle. I know I need to refill it somehow. I don't want to expect people to keep me from myself. Perhaps this change will be a searching within, a way to find independence. Maybe I'll go crazy.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The passage of time
One heart heals faster than another's and I'm a bit of an idiot.
I don't regret the time I gave myself in his company to find answers to lingering questions, but I do regret not appreciating my vulnerability. Believing I can handle more than I'm actually able to handle seems to be a frighteningly present theme as of late.
Looking back and comparing with the present I found that there was more than the poly that chafed. It's comforting and sad to find that it still might have ended had the particular challenge of poly not been there.
But there was something to be gained by everything. As a child through to adult hood I watched as my mother stripped my father of his manhood. As the middle child and always the peace maker, I was confidant to both and I came to the conclusion that my mother's motivations were unhealthy but that she had settled in many ways.
Unbeknownst to me, I had inadvertently chosen someone who was almost and exact duplicate of my father. What I achieved from the relationship was something unexpected. I was allowed to heal the injustice that my father was never given, and I did not make the same mistake my mother made.
Deemed the turtle, as one close friend often references me so symbolically, I move in my own time. I have little urge to engage in yet another trying and emotionally complicated endeavor i.e relationship. Rather, I prefer to find my grounding again. To reflect and stabilize. Unlike the turtle though, I am not fully ensconced in the shell and choose to allow my sensitive underbelly to remain elevated and exposed.
The most challenging of this whole experience is the loneliness and ever present sex drive screaming in my ear. Part of me cringes to admit it publicly but I know that others feel and have felt as I do right now. The sobering realization I've seen is that I am no different than other women. I have the same emotional challenges and instinctive urges and although I am unique as an individual, I must realize that I am still quite human.
The loneliness can be sated with friends and adventures. The sex drive will just have to wait yet again. Only once have I been led by my sexual urges and it was firmly put in it's place. For the most part I act quite rationally and rarely follow a whim. It's served me quite well in the past and I will encourage it to do so in the future.
I appreciate having learned that I am indeed capable of letting down walls and I feel an evolution happening within, a blossoming I once thought snuffed. I've also learned that the 'blossom' needs a vigilant eye. I will never regret the decisions I have made as they always reveal their purpose in time.
Most important of all, I've learned to trust and am forever greatfull for it.
I don't regret the time I gave myself in his company to find answers to lingering questions, but I do regret not appreciating my vulnerability. Believing I can handle more than I'm actually able to handle seems to be a frighteningly present theme as of late.
Looking back and comparing with the present I found that there was more than the poly that chafed. It's comforting and sad to find that it still might have ended had the particular challenge of poly not been there.
But there was something to be gained by everything. As a child through to adult hood I watched as my mother stripped my father of his manhood. As the middle child and always the peace maker, I was confidant to both and I came to the conclusion that my mother's motivations were unhealthy but that she had settled in many ways.
Unbeknownst to me, I had inadvertently chosen someone who was almost and exact duplicate of my father. What I achieved from the relationship was something unexpected. I was allowed to heal the injustice that my father was never given, and I did not make the same mistake my mother made.
Deemed the turtle, as one close friend often references me so symbolically, I move in my own time. I have little urge to engage in yet another trying and emotionally complicated endeavor i.e relationship. Rather, I prefer to find my grounding again. To reflect and stabilize. Unlike the turtle though, I am not fully ensconced in the shell and choose to allow my sensitive underbelly to remain elevated and exposed.
The most challenging of this whole experience is the loneliness and ever present sex drive screaming in my ear. Part of me cringes to admit it publicly but I know that others feel and have felt as I do right now. The sobering realization I've seen is that I am no different than other women. I have the same emotional challenges and instinctive urges and although I am unique as an individual, I must realize that I am still quite human.
The loneliness can be sated with friends and adventures. The sex drive will just have to wait yet again. Only once have I been led by my sexual urges and it was firmly put in it's place. For the most part I act quite rationally and rarely follow a whim. It's served me quite well in the past and I will encourage it to do so in the future.
I appreciate having learned that I am indeed capable of letting down walls and I feel an evolution happening within, a blossoming I once thought snuffed. I've also learned that the 'blossom' needs a vigilant eye. I will never regret the decisions I have made as they always reveal their purpose in time.
Most important of all, I've learned to trust and am forever greatfull for it.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Cancer
The moment I let my guard down and start to relax about my father, I'm shown how frail the human body is. And even though he is the strongest person I know, he too will die.
My fathers cancer is worse. He has small cell stage 4 lung cancer that has metastasized everywhere. The doctors just told us that he now has yet another tumor on his diaphragm. The chemo has basically fucked up his bone marrow and he's suffering from fainting spells because he's so anemic. They are thinking of switching the kind of chemo he's getting and the time off they hoped for is now gone.
We all know that he's terminal but the slow degrade is... well, I can't even put into words the millions of emotions I feel when I think about it and when I try not too. No matter how hard I try to live normally it's always there peeking into my thoughts.
When people ask how he's doing I usually tell them that the tumors are shrinking, but they always are. And they will always come back. There is no cure for him. We are just buying time.
I'm greatful for the extra 6 months we've had and I'm glad to be able to spend another holiday season with him. But it only flashes in my mind that one day, one holiday season, he will be gone.
My fathers cancer is worse. He has small cell stage 4 lung cancer that has metastasized everywhere. The doctors just told us that he now has yet another tumor on his diaphragm. The chemo has basically fucked up his bone marrow and he's suffering from fainting spells because he's so anemic. They are thinking of switching the kind of chemo he's getting and the time off they hoped for is now gone.
We all know that he's terminal but the slow degrade is... well, I can't even put into words the millions of emotions I feel when I think about it and when I try not too. No matter how hard I try to live normally it's always there peeking into my thoughts.
When people ask how he's doing I usually tell them that the tumors are shrinking, but they always are. And they will always come back. There is no cure for him. We are just buying time.
I'm greatful for the extra 6 months we've had and I'm glad to be able to spend another holiday season with him. But it only flashes in my mind that one day, one holiday season, he will be gone.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Control
It's odd but I feel a deep tension in my being. I feel like something is about to happen but I have no idea what that might be.
The interesting contrast to this tension is the confidence in myself and my ability to see and understand those around me as well as seeing one step ahead in the general everyday sequence of events.
The feeling is like a churning mass of energy that is tightly contained within the vicinity of my heart at the moment but I feel it building. It will either result in the yin or yang of positive or negative. The general impression I'm getting is that it will be something I decide. Some choice is about to present itself and I have no idea what the result will be.
It's a sort of vigilant nervousness. The general inside of me feels controlled and the new blossoming confidence is calm, watching and deciding. But the child like energy growing in my core is about to burst out and I don't know if that in itself can be controlled.
My experience tells me that I need to have faith that it will be okay as long as I keep my head. But, I wish I knew what was causing this.
I'm quite sure this will make little sense to those around me and so I don't voice it and I wait.
We shall see what happens.
The interesting contrast to this tension is the confidence in myself and my ability to see and understand those around me as well as seeing one step ahead in the general everyday sequence of events.
The feeling is like a churning mass of energy that is tightly contained within the vicinity of my heart at the moment but I feel it building. It will either result in the yin or yang of positive or negative. The general impression I'm getting is that it will be something I decide. Some choice is about to present itself and I have no idea what the result will be.
It's a sort of vigilant nervousness. The general inside of me feels controlled and the new blossoming confidence is calm, watching and deciding. But the child like energy growing in my core is about to burst out and I don't know if that in itself can be controlled.
My experience tells me that I need to have faith that it will be okay as long as I keep my head. But, I wish I knew what was causing this.
I'm quite sure this will make little sense to those around me and so I don't voice it and I wait.
We shall see what happens.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Don't Panic
I'm taking a breather from the community for a while. I'm not mad at anyone or having issues with the community in any way.
I feel the urge to focus on my life in a way that is not so sexually charged.
For those that read this blog, I will still be posting but you can certainly expect a more vanilla vein of interest and focus for the next little while.
I've learned recently that disappearing can cause quite the upset and I'm hoping to avoid that with this post. Anyone with questions should feel free to contact me.
I feel the urge to focus on my life in a way that is not so sexually charged.
For those that read this blog, I will still be posting but you can certainly expect a more vanilla vein of interest and focus for the next little while.
I've learned recently that disappearing can cause quite the upset and I'm hoping to avoid that with this post. Anyone with questions should feel free to contact me.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Choices
I'm feeling infinitely insecure at the moment.
I haven't been writing for a while because I was involved with a man whom I eventually fell in love with. The problem was that he is and will forever be poly. I have little to no experience with relationships and was unsure as to whether or not I myself could be poly as well.It made sense on paper and I could see and understand the benefits in such a lifestyle. I gave it a shot with the assumption that he would not change and it was a test to see if I was capable of such a dynamic.
This is what happened. I read the book Ethical Slut and I coached myself through my jealousy. I became acutely aware of any insecurities I had and I worked through them relying on the security of my place with him. But when the jealousy continued to pop up in my head and I continually had to coach myself, I started to get a little crazy and question why I was doing this. I kept coming back to the fact that I loved him.Then I saw him get jealous a few times and I realized that this was something I was going to have to deal with forever if I so chose.
When I thought about any sort of future I freaked the fuck out, every single time. That couldn't be good right? I realized that I'd be giving up a lot. I want a partner in life, someone to make serious decisions with, someone who knows me inside and out, who will point out things no one else has the guts too, someone to raise a family with. Someone for whom we are each others everything. And while this may be something attainable in polyamory I realized that, in this relationship, it wasn't possible.
I realized he was not allowing himself to be fully capable of that deeper connection. He was addicted to the new relationship energy. I have a decided dislike for that part of relationships and honestly, it's so fleeting. My life has always revolved around comfort and when I finally got to know someone well enough I wanted to stay in that spot. When we were together I thought of no one else. He always had his mind out there thinking about the next one. That is where the big difference made it's self apparent. I was content with just one.
Honestly, I knew that should he attempt to maintain several relationships, that I would be neglected. He once said I was spoiled from all of the undivided attention I was receiving, and I thought to myself, 'No, I'm getting what I deserve in a relationship'.
Mind you, this is in no way a 'dis' on polyamory. It is just another way of thinking and approaching relationships that doesn't work for me. It's a difference in philosophy.
When I made the choice for sanity and had an in depth conversation with him...well, I felt confident. I was making the right decision for me. Now, I don't know.
I miss him more than anything but I know I still need time apart to reconnect with me. I know that were I to be around him again so soon I would attempt to convince myself of something other than the truth. I've learned how to let someone in, what my insecurities are, how to communicate efficiently etc. But now I feel lost and even though I've grown from the experience I don't know where to go from here.
I haven't been writing for a while because I was involved with a man whom I eventually fell in love with. The problem was that he is and will forever be poly. I have little to no experience with relationships and was unsure as to whether or not I myself could be poly as well.It made sense on paper and I could see and understand the benefits in such a lifestyle. I gave it a shot with the assumption that he would not change and it was a test to see if I was capable of such a dynamic.
This is what happened. I read the book Ethical Slut and I coached myself through my jealousy. I became acutely aware of any insecurities I had and I worked through them relying on the security of my place with him. But when the jealousy continued to pop up in my head and I continually had to coach myself, I started to get a little crazy and question why I was doing this. I kept coming back to the fact that I loved him.Then I saw him get jealous a few times and I realized that this was something I was going to have to deal with forever if I so chose.
When I thought about any sort of future I freaked the fuck out, every single time. That couldn't be good right? I realized that I'd be giving up a lot. I want a partner in life, someone to make serious decisions with, someone who knows me inside and out, who will point out things no one else has the guts too, someone to raise a family with. Someone for whom we are each others everything. And while this may be something attainable in polyamory I realized that, in this relationship, it wasn't possible.
I realized he was not allowing himself to be fully capable of that deeper connection. He was addicted to the new relationship energy. I have a decided dislike for that part of relationships and honestly, it's so fleeting. My life has always revolved around comfort and when I finally got to know someone well enough I wanted to stay in that spot. When we were together I thought of no one else. He always had his mind out there thinking about the next one. That is where the big difference made it's self apparent. I was content with just one.
Honestly, I knew that should he attempt to maintain several relationships, that I would be neglected. He once said I was spoiled from all of the undivided attention I was receiving, and I thought to myself, 'No, I'm getting what I deserve in a relationship'.
Mind you, this is in no way a 'dis' on polyamory. It is just another way of thinking and approaching relationships that doesn't work for me. It's a difference in philosophy.
When I made the choice for sanity and had an in depth conversation with him...well, I felt confident. I was making the right decision for me. Now, I don't know.
I miss him more than anything but I know I still need time apart to reconnect with me. I know that were I to be around him again so soon I would attempt to convince myself of something other than the truth. I've learned how to let someone in, what my insecurities are, how to communicate efficiently etc. But now I feel lost and even though I've grown from the experience I don't know where to go from here.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Ameliroation
I am relatively inexperienced when it comes to sex. Let me clarify, before recently I'd only had a coerced fucking with my boss more than 6 years ago and a smattering of awkward grabby semi passionate fondlings with various persons.
I thought I needed passionate, fuck like dogs, 'take me' sex in-order to reach climax. Recently I've begun letting someone into my life who is deeply caring, honest and one of the best communicators I've ever interacted with.
The sex was not good. I couldn't figure out why. And then we talked.
Mind altering surprise, I found that he wanted to connect with me, to actually make tender love.
What?!
I mean honestly, I've never met a man who wanted to make tender love to me, and connect. And I never let myself conceive that it would ever, I mean ever, happen. Now, I knew I would fall in love and that a man would fall in love with me some day. But I had convinced myself that gentle caring sex was something fictional men wanted and that such interactions from a flesh and blood man would be a compromise for what they believed I wanted. And since what I really want is what they want, I just concluded that it would never happen and it was silly to even contemplate it.
I don't think I'll ever be the same again after that night. My heart feels like a wet towel being wrung dry when I think about how he touched me. The expression in his eyes floored me. I'm frightened by how bonded I feel to him now.
But I also feel lucky to have been slapped in the face and waggled a finger at about my misconceptions.
I thought I needed passionate, fuck like dogs, 'take me' sex in-order to reach climax. Recently I've begun letting someone into my life who is deeply caring, honest and one of the best communicators I've ever interacted with.
The sex was not good. I couldn't figure out why. And then we talked.
Mind altering surprise, I found that he wanted to connect with me, to actually make tender love.
What?!
I mean honestly, I've never met a man who wanted to make tender love to me, and connect. And I never let myself conceive that it would ever, I mean ever, happen. Now, I knew I would fall in love and that a man would fall in love with me some day. But I had convinced myself that gentle caring sex was something fictional men wanted and that such interactions from a flesh and blood man would be a compromise for what they believed I wanted. And since what I really want is what they want, I just concluded that it would never happen and it was silly to even contemplate it.
I don't think I'll ever be the same again after that night. My heart feels like a wet towel being wrung dry when I think about how he touched me. The expression in his eyes floored me. I'm frightened by how bonded I feel to him now.
But I also feel lucky to have been slapped in the face and waggled a finger at about my misconceptions.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Recap
As I sit here listening to Dubstep, smelling the Playa wafting through my room (because I refuse to clean it off my stuff) wearing a bright orange sarong and burning sage I can't help but feel the confidence surge.
What I learned at Burning Man is that you can make it what ever you want it to be. And for me it was a glimpse into my personal utopia. The fact that it can indeed exist, was created by random people and contributed to by me makes me feel as though I can carry it with me everywhere. It's been a little over a week and I still feel the personal power, confidence, creativity, and general sense of community. When I feel it start to dissipate I speak about it to someone or smell my jar of dust and it all comes flooding back.
And what's more is I can tap into a raw creativity and self perpetuating positiveness that I've never conceived of before. The day to day challenges of life, relationships, bills etc. all seem manageable because of my deep knowledge of who I am and what I want. It's like a light switch has been flicked.
I understand how semi-hippie this all sounds but I truly mean it. The amazing part as well is that when I express these things, people around me understand to some degree. Even my conservative family completely support me in this new shift. My mother actually meant it when she said my art was amazing with no words of critique. Honestly that's all I've ever wanted from her.
What I learned at Burning Man is that you can make it what ever you want it to be. And for me it was a glimpse into my personal utopia. The fact that it can indeed exist, was created by random people and contributed to by me makes me feel as though I can carry it with me everywhere. It's been a little over a week and I still feel the personal power, confidence, creativity, and general sense of community. When I feel it start to dissipate I speak about it to someone or smell my jar of dust and it all comes flooding back.
And what's more is I can tap into a raw creativity and self perpetuating positiveness that I've never conceived of before. The day to day challenges of life, relationships, bills etc. all seem manageable because of my deep knowledge of who I am and what I want. It's like a light switch has been flicked.
I understand how semi-hippie this all sounds but I truly mean it. The amazing part as well is that when I express these things, people around me understand to some degree. Even my conservative family completely support me in this new shift. My mother actually meant it when she said my art was amazing with no words of critique. Honestly that's all I've ever wanted from her.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Virgin Burner
*Cracking knuckles* Okay, Burning Man...
Hm... I have no idea how to describe what I experienced, what I felt, what I did and what it was like.
All I know is that when everyone said "Welcome Home" they were right.
I left a little piece of myself there, is this what love feels like? lol
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Quest
Who am I?
This is the question I've asked since the age of 21 when I first set off on my own. What do I believe, what are my standards, how do I perceive the world?
My lofty goal of self discovery was one I'd seen others take and I felt it was the natural order of things to follow on my own.
So I stubbornly went for it, I dove into every demographic, every perception shift possible, submerged myself completely. I lost myself. Determined to try every piece of 'clothing' on I let go of what I knew, and what I believed. Eventually becoming obsessed with the thoughts and feelings of others. In my attempt to understand I forced myself to fit into one mold after another.
What did I learn?
I already knew who I was, what I believed, what my standards are and how I perceive the world. I've come full circle, and I'm not quite convinced that it was time well spent.
How did I arrive at these conclusions?
My life was falling apart the same as it always does every few years. Work was in chaos, everyone around me had an ulterior motive, loved ones were dissatisfied with me; I was dissatisfied with me. In the past picking up and starting again always seemed the right solution. I felt as if I was perhaps not leading the life I was meant to and needed a change. To some degree this thinking was correct but not for the reasons I was rationalizing.
My biggest realization occurred when I mentally tore myself from the twirling depths of mental chaos. I sat quietly and regrouped. Taking it all in, I realized that with all aspects of my life falling apart, the one constant was myself. I was the cause, my behavior was the catalyst.
Knowing this I didn't know what to do next. So, I meditated for days and sat with it non judgmentally.
And then I stopped caring about how others perceived me. I started following my internal code of ethics. I did the cliche and followed my gut.
Things changed rapidly. My life began to fall into order. Not running away, staying put and facing what was happening... I can't explain it fully, but it worked this time. I felt confidence bloom. I knew who I was and what I believed deep down.
Reflecting on it more... it was who I've always been.
This is the question I've asked since the age of 21 when I first set off on my own. What do I believe, what are my standards, how do I perceive the world?
My lofty goal of self discovery was one I'd seen others take and I felt it was the natural order of things to follow on my own.
So I stubbornly went for it, I dove into every demographic, every perception shift possible, submerged myself completely. I lost myself. Determined to try every piece of 'clothing' on I let go of what I knew, and what I believed. Eventually becoming obsessed with the thoughts and feelings of others. In my attempt to understand I forced myself to fit into one mold after another.
What did I learn?
I already knew who I was, what I believed, what my standards are and how I perceive the world. I've come full circle, and I'm not quite convinced that it was time well spent.
How did I arrive at these conclusions?
My life was falling apart the same as it always does every few years. Work was in chaos, everyone around me had an ulterior motive, loved ones were dissatisfied with me; I was dissatisfied with me. In the past picking up and starting again always seemed the right solution. I felt as if I was perhaps not leading the life I was meant to and needed a change. To some degree this thinking was correct but not for the reasons I was rationalizing.
My biggest realization occurred when I mentally tore myself from the twirling depths of mental chaos. I sat quietly and regrouped. Taking it all in, I realized that with all aspects of my life falling apart, the one constant was myself. I was the cause, my behavior was the catalyst.
Knowing this I didn't know what to do next. So, I meditated for days and sat with it non judgmentally.
And then I stopped caring about how others perceived me. I started following my internal code of ethics. I did the cliche and followed my gut.
Things changed rapidly. My life began to fall into order. Not running away, staying put and facing what was happening... I can't explain it fully, but it worked this time. I felt confidence bloom. I knew who I was and what I believed deep down.
Reflecting on it more... it was who I've always been.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
My Very Special 4th
I've missed my family and the life I had growing up in my hometown. My parents' house is over 100 years old with tall ceilings and crown molding galore. My childhood room is like a vortex of silence. The sleep I've had the past two days was more like a coma.
I simply love watching all 1500 people come out and put on their little parade. There were logging trucks with banners, the local Buddhists playing music on bongos, all the princesses practicing their waves and tractors operated by 8 year olds. Everyone moves at a slow pace and are open, cracking jokes on the fly. Little stands of fireworks and lemonade were nestled in the moderately sized park.
But, what I really enjoyed during that time, was painting the faces of small children. I have to admit my mothers' set up is quite amazing. The paints were perfect in this weather. And what I really get a kick out of is the kids faces as they're being painted. They slip into a slight daze and on several occasions will fall asleep. I talk lowly and quietly to them as I paint away, similar to how I calm nervous dogs. They nod quietly or smile gently. The exchange of energy is so enlightening. The looks on their faces as they gaze at their reflection in the mirror and the wowed exclamations from their families, just lifts the spirits.
It's easy to go home and fall into that ease and comfort. My family understands and accepts me in a way that I've never found elsewhere. My dad watched his car races and my mom made hamburgers in the kitchen. The rest of the family filtered in and out throughout the day and there were hugs all around.
I feel lucky to have grown up in such a great family and I intend to touch base with this environment more frequently.
I simply love watching all 1500 people come out and put on their little parade. There were logging trucks with banners, the local Buddhists playing music on bongos, all the princesses practicing their waves and tractors operated by 8 year olds. Everyone moves at a slow pace and are open, cracking jokes on the fly. Little stands of fireworks and lemonade were nestled in the moderately sized park.
But, what I really enjoyed during that time, was painting the faces of small children. I have to admit my mothers' set up is quite amazing. The paints were perfect in this weather. And what I really get a kick out of is the kids faces as they're being painted. They slip into a slight daze and on several occasions will fall asleep. I talk lowly and quietly to them as I paint away, similar to how I calm nervous dogs. They nod quietly or smile gently. The exchange of energy is so enlightening. The looks on their faces as they gaze at their reflection in the mirror and the wowed exclamations from their families, just lifts the spirits.
It's easy to go home and fall into that ease and comfort. My family understands and accepts me in a way that I've never found elsewhere. My dad watched his car races and my mom made hamburgers in the kitchen. The rest of the family filtered in and out throughout the day and there were hugs all around.
I feel lucky to have grown up in such a great family and I intend to touch base with this environment more frequently.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Not so good turned good
The other evening my roommate came home for the first time ever with immediate explosive anger directed towards me. With me cornered in a room and his spittle landing at my feet I went completely still inside.
My first reaction was shock immediately followed by protective anger. I'm experienced enough with these left field instances from different areas of my life, that I knew to remain mostly silent and listen to what he said for the underlying cause of his anger. His issues were correct and something that should have been broached much sooner. I had vague inklings that things were about to come to a head but with his passive aggressive demeanor I was blind sided with the intensity of his emotions.
I do not excuse his unskilled actions and in fact find several deep seated things about him extremely challenging to be around. Bringing these things up however, would be asking him to change his very nature and that is not my responsibility. I accept him for who he is and recognize the good things he brings to the household, knowing that this line of thinking is what's necessary for living in any sort of community.
Several hours later I was stewing. Wading through the emotions of; anger, self righteousness, guilt, humiliation, vindictiveness and sorrow- I devised a plan.
Understanding conflict resolution, I made amends. First I created an apology letter and purchased a peace offering, then I made a solution list, next I put the list into action and I promised that such situations would never happen again. And then I let it go, for my own peace.
Recognizing my tendency towards wading through my emotional torrent as of late, I came to realize that his anger was more than the situation. I have been neglecting my life and my own responsibilities while wallowing.
It snapped me out of it. I've put aside my internal circular thought habits for the moment, and have begun taking better care of myself and those around me. My tension bleeds onto those I interact with and taints the general energy. Meditating today I showed myself the gentle glow of calm.
Today has been a nice break from the past week. And again I realize I am responsible for my own peace or lack there of.
My first reaction was shock immediately followed by protective anger. I'm experienced enough with these left field instances from different areas of my life, that I knew to remain mostly silent and listen to what he said for the underlying cause of his anger. His issues were correct and something that should have been broached much sooner. I had vague inklings that things were about to come to a head but with his passive aggressive demeanor I was blind sided with the intensity of his emotions.
I do not excuse his unskilled actions and in fact find several deep seated things about him extremely challenging to be around. Bringing these things up however, would be asking him to change his very nature and that is not my responsibility. I accept him for who he is and recognize the good things he brings to the household, knowing that this line of thinking is what's necessary for living in any sort of community.
Several hours later I was stewing. Wading through the emotions of; anger, self righteousness, guilt, humiliation, vindictiveness and sorrow- I devised a plan.
Understanding conflict resolution, I made amends. First I created an apology letter and purchased a peace offering, then I made a solution list, next I put the list into action and I promised that such situations would never happen again. And then I let it go, for my own peace.
Recognizing my tendency towards wading through my emotional torrent as of late, I came to realize that his anger was more than the situation. I have been neglecting my life and my own responsibilities while wallowing.
It snapped me out of it. I've put aside my internal circular thought habits for the moment, and have begun taking better care of myself and those around me. My tension bleeds onto those I interact with and taints the general energy. Meditating today I showed myself the gentle glow of calm.
Today has been a nice break from the past week. And again I realize I am responsible for my own peace or lack there of.
Friday, June 26, 2009
My War
I feel the continual battle I have within myself slowly taking over again.
Feelings of isolation, loneliness and deep sadness. I see it most clearly when I step to the side and observe how those I am interacting with do not reach my growing high standards. As I set rules and gauging clues, seek out projected deceptions, and feel dissatisfied with those people- I can conceptualize the greasy talons of darkness wrapping around my heart.
This lightless hole that I wedge myself into is extremely oppressive. I dread this spot. And I ask myself why I am here once more.
Ask anyone what their pet peeves are about people, and you have an instant clue, a telling sign of the things they haven't admitted to themselves that they embody.
Knowing this constant, I then conclude that I myself am not measuring up. That these judgments and disgruntled feelings I have for others are in fact the things I feel for myself.
When I feel the war within, I am tormented with my own question of how to get out. I see the impending doom and I want to fight it, but the weight is so heavy it makes me want to rest. I know what the answer is though.
I have to show myself happiness and acceptance. Offer a smile of wisdom and a hug of compassion. I know I cannot find these things externally because my first gut response would be to reject it and quickly fortify myself within a steal shield.
These are the t
hings I've seen myself do well:
I can listen to others compassionately and with great equanimity. I can smile in a way that causes others to instantly knee jerk smile in return. I can walk into a room full of people with openness and confidence. I can speak easily and fluidly with strangers. I know the answers to questions. I have felt such deep acceptance of myself that others opinions, good or bad, do not effect this acceptance.
Writing these words to read in the future may help me crawl back up that hill.
I see the light already.
Feelings of isolation, loneliness and deep sadness. I see it most clearly when I step to the side and observe how those I am interacting with do not reach my growing high standards. As I set rules and gauging clues, seek out projected deceptions, and feel dissatisfied with those people- I can conceptualize the greasy talons of darkness wrapping around my heart.
This lightless hole that I wedge myself into is extremely oppressive. I dread this spot. And I ask myself why I am here once more.
Ask anyone what their pet peeves are about people, and you have an instant clue, a telling sign of the things they haven't admitted to themselves that they embody.
Knowing this constant, I then conclude that I myself am not measuring up. That these judgments and disgruntled feelings I have for others are in fact the things I feel for myself.
When I feel the war within, I am tormented with my own question of how to get out. I see the impending doom and I want to fight it, but the weight is so heavy it makes me want to rest. I know what the answer is though.
I have to show myself happiness and acceptance. Offer a smile of wisdom and a hug of compassion. I know I cannot find these things externally because my first gut response would be to reject it and quickly fortify myself within a steal shield.
These are the t
hings I've seen myself do well:I can listen to others compassionately and with great equanimity. I can smile in a way that causes others to instantly knee jerk smile in return. I can walk into a room full of people with openness and confidence. I can speak easily and fluidly with strangers. I know the answers to questions. I have felt such deep acceptance of myself that others opinions, good or bad, do not effect this acceptance.
Writing these words to read in the future may help me crawl back up that hill.
I see the light already.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Life
Laying on the roof soaking up the latter part of the sun I was gazing at the vastness of the sky. I really saw it. My thoughts were gentle. I appreciated what I was experiencing.
The most of the day today was spent sitting in several manicured low lit offices keeping my father company as he was put through his paces, one test after another. The people were pleasant, coolly professional, with genuine attempts at compassion. My father and I spoke little, enjoying each others company. I felt calm but sad. His cancer is back.
Eight months ago he had a prognosis of less than six months. Through the gauntlet of emotions and the deep sadness at our impending loss the news came that the cancer was gone. We all held our breaths as we waited for someone to say 'oh, wait...'.
The day before fathers day he began coughing up blood. A few tests later, our world was rocked again.
Surprisingly though, this time is easier.
At lunch today my father and I had the deepest conversation recorded in our 26 years of acquaintance. We were candid with each other, I asked him point blank questions I never would have before. We talked about our fears, they were identical in fact. He said he wished my little brother would 'cut loose more often'. It wasn't said but I know he was talking about me too. I wished I could let him in on the crazy shit I've been up to.
He instructed me that at his memorial, only funny stories were to be told. We laughed at the recollection I had of his wild hair to put up a 7 foot in diameter satellite dish he'd gotten for a dollar. He had decided to place it in the center of our treacherous hill in the dead of winter in the middle of a gale. We almost died that day. The dish doled only one channel, Baliwood.
He talked about my future. Three months ago I had a list a mile long detailing all that I required and sought after. Now? I have no idea. And to be honest, I'm quite fine with that. My focus now is learning about and being me.
I've seen how the things that come out of my mouth as of late are cliches and poetry.
Odd that.
I've found a sort of peace, something I thought I'd never find in this torrent of emotions. But coupled with that is a deep sadness. Not a depression mind you, it's mostly affable in nature. When speaking to him today, I see that he is there as well.
The most of the day today was spent sitting in several manicured low lit offices keeping my father company as he was put through his paces, one test after another. The people were pleasant, coolly professional, with genuine attempts at compassion. My father and I spoke little, enjoying each others company. I felt calm but sad. His cancer is back.
Eight months ago he had a prognosis of less than six months. Through the gauntlet of emotions and the deep sadness at our impending loss the news came that the cancer was gone. We all held our breaths as we waited for someone to say 'oh, wait...'.
The day before fathers day he began coughing up blood. A few tests later, our world was rocked again.
Surprisingly though, this time is easier.
At lunch today my father and I had the deepest conversation recorded in our 26 years of acquaintance. We were candid with each other, I asked him point blank questions I never would have before. We talked about our fears, they were identical in fact. He said he wished my little brother would 'cut loose more often'. It wasn't said but I know he was talking about me too. I wished I could let him in on the crazy shit I've been up to.
He instructed me that at his memorial, only funny stories were to be told. We laughed at the recollection I had of his wild hair to put up a 7 foot in diameter satellite dish he'd gotten for a dollar. He had decided to place it in the center of our treacherous hill in the dead of winter in the middle of a gale. We almost died that day. The dish doled only one channel, Baliwood.
He talked about my future. Three months ago I had a list a mile long detailing all that I required and sought after. Now? I have no idea. And to be honest, I'm quite fine with that. My focus now is learning about and being me.
I've seen how the things that come out of my mouth as of late are cliches and poetry.
Odd that.
I've found a sort of peace, something I thought I'd never find in this torrent of emotions. But coupled with that is a deep sadness. Not a depression mind you, it's mostly affable in nature. When speaking to him today, I see that he is there as well.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Yellow String and Lollipops
As I've been assessing my current life I can't help but feel content.
Living in a hippie neighborhood with several post grad transplants in what I call 'Peter Pan Land' (Portland) in an amazing 90 year old house converted into several apartments I find my general day to day life to be relatively care free.
I have friends that filter in and out of my life in a week, month or even several years. I make new friends daily. My days are mostly unplanned and jovially random. Themed parties are always at the ready, projected movies in a back yard (last week was Goonies). Waking up to random friends crashed on our couches, feasting on savory brunches lovingly prepared by my creative roommates.
I love my career and the resulting small family I've inherited. My coworkers love questioning me to hear what interesting things I've done in a week.
Be it attending the Red Dress party and being nursed by drag queens carrying dixie cups of water, or something simple like making can phones with the neighbors. People passin
g by could only crack up and say "Rock on dudes!" as they stared at the yellow string stretching acrossed the street. Yesterday morning I found myself having an in-depth philosophical conversation with a harmonica playing individual who had passed out in the living room the previous night.
Each day is something new, each day I appreciate where I am and who I'm with.
Picasso once said “It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child”.
I get that.
Living in a hippie neighborhood with several post grad transplants in what I call 'Peter Pan Land' (Portland) in an amazing 90 year old house converted into several apartments I find my general day to day life to be relatively care free.
I have friends that filter in and out of my life in a week, month or even several years. I make new friends daily. My days are mostly unplanned and jovially random. Themed parties are always at the ready, projected movies in a back yard (last week was Goonies). Waking up to random friends crashed on our couches, feasting on savory brunches lovingly prepared by my creative roommates.
I love my career and the resulting small family I've inherited. My coworkers love questioning me to hear what interesting things I've done in a week.
Be it attending the Red Dress party and being nursed by drag queens carrying dixie cups of water, or something simple like making can phones with the neighbors. People passin
g by could only crack up and say "Rock on dudes!" as they stared at the yellow string stretching acrossed the street. Yesterday morning I found myself having an in-depth philosophical conversation with a harmonica playing individual who had passed out in the living room the previous night.Each day is something new, each day I appreciate where I am and who I'm with.
Picasso once said “It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child”.
I get that.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Twirling
I've sort of adopted a kind of loose bodied, not focusing on anything in particular, be-bopping, positive mentality.
Walking around tonight I just said the quirky things that entered my mind, made jokes, asked questions and enjoyed the company of good friends.
When alone as of late I have been taking my internal dialogue and gently guiding it towards uplifting and non-judgemental thoughts. One quote I love is "Sometimes your joy can be the source of your smile and sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy". I like this quote because it says to me that your thoughts and what you project will eventually be reflected back at you.
Letting go of the limits I have previously set, focusing on the things that intrigue me and enjoying moments without fear is liberating.
This is just a little blurb I had to write; a sort of snap shot.
Walking around tonight I just said the quirky things that entered my mind, made jokes, asked questions and enjoyed the company of good friends.
When alone as of late I have been taking my internal dialogue and gently guiding it towards uplifting and non-judgemental thoughts. One quote I love is "Sometimes your joy can be the source of your smile and sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy". I like this quote because it says to me that your thoughts and what you project will eventually be reflected back at you.
Letting go of the limits I have previously set, focusing on the things that intrigue me and enjoying moments without fear is liberating.
This is just a little blurb I had to write; a sort of snap shot.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Lacking
It seems that I'm a bad bottom.
It's been said before that I'm hard to read and I've always found it difficult to communicate discomfort or unease; since I don't realize it at the time or don't understand what's happening within myself enough to convey it. I was even asked if I was okay this evening and I said everything was fine. I didn't realize at the time that I was indeed not okay.
Tonight confirmed to me some areas where I am lacking and where I need improvement. I was a stunt bottom at a rope group that I was attending. I was tied to another bottom and had a few ropes pressing against my collar bone. Usually for me, as the ropes are being tied, I feel incredibly secure and love the pressures and constriction. I thought that the pressure I was experiencing was just another part of that.
As I was held in that position I began to feel claustrophobic. I focused on breathing and I noticed how clammy I was getting, my stomach began to churn. Eventually I noticed that I was getting dizzy. It wasn't until that point that I said anything. One of the tops there knelt in-front of me and was speaking to me. I felt mostly coherent but then I heard white noise.
Another bottom next to me was cradling my face and looking at my eyes intensely with incredible concern. I realized that I couldn't hear and my vision was tunneled. I asked why he was looking at me like that and he informed me that I had passed out. I started to look around and I could see the worry and fear in other peoples eyes. Then I started to get scared. Why couldn't I hear?
On a side note, passing out was an interesting experience. I remember looking up and to the right. I lost track of time and I remember hearing garbled but clear voices and lots of whirling images and my mind went on some sort of wild journey very similar to my first experiences with being high. Coming out of it was awesome because all I could see where intense brown eyes and a face perfectly framed in black. My vision was the only sense I had that was sort of functioning.
As a result I was acutely aware of the concern in those eyes.
The top in-front of me pulled me into his arms and slowly lowered me to my side and then onto my back. I still felt dizzy, my head was pounding and I thought I was going to vomit. I looked up and everyone in the room was standing over me. I almost started crying but I saw how worried they all were and focused on breathing. I didn't want to worry any one anymore. I kept apologizing. I felt so bad that I hadn't said anything sooner or tried to convey the physiological things that had been happening. I was so embarrassed.
As I was sipping my water I refused any comfort verbal or otherwise for fear of waterworks. I made several lame attempts at humor, an old defense mechanism. I kept mulling over what had just happened and thinking about what I had done wrong. I was worried no one would want to tie me up anymore.
And, I was scared of the ropes.
In the positive though, this was the best place to have something go awry. Everyone acted quickly and I could tell I was in good hands. I now realize what passing out feels like and how to tell when it may happen again. The difficult part, is that many things in the 'Scene' are pretty dangerous and I know I can't always experience the edge- for fear of serious injury.
I thankfully received another offer to be tied up again. I said yes mostly to follow the old 'getting back on the horse' saying. I wanted a positive experience before leaving so that the previous one would not be so over powering.
I'm going to work on communicating better.
It's been said before that I'm hard to read and I've always found it difficult to communicate discomfort or unease; since I don't realize it at the time or don't understand what's happening within myself enough to convey it. I was even asked if I was okay this evening and I said everything was fine. I didn't realize at the time that I was indeed not okay.
Tonight confirmed to me some areas where I am lacking and where I need improvement. I was a stunt bottom at a rope group that I was attending. I was tied to another bottom and had a few ropes pressing against my collar bone. Usually for me, as the ropes are being tied, I feel incredibly secure and love the pressures and constriction. I thought that the pressure I was experiencing was just another part of that.
As I was held in that position I began to feel claustrophobic. I focused on breathing and I noticed how clammy I was getting, my stomach began to churn. Eventually I noticed that I was getting dizzy. It wasn't until that point that I said anything. One of the tops there knelt in-front of me and was speaking to me. I felt mostly coherent but then I heard white noise.
Another bottom next to me was cradling my face and looking at my eyes intensely with incredible concern. I realized that I couldn't hear and my vision was tunneled. I asked why he was looking at me like that and he informed me that I had passed out. I started to look around and I could see the worry and fear in other peoples eyes. Then I started to get scared. Why couldn't I hear?
On a side note, passing out was an interesting experience. I remember looking up and to the right. I lost track of time and I remember hearing garbled but clear voices and lots of whirling images and my mind went on some sort of wild journey very similar to my first experiences with being high. Coming out of it was awesome because all I could see where intense brown eyes and a face perfectly framed in black. My vision was the only sense I had that was sort of functioning.
As a result I was acutely aware of the concern in those eyes.
The top in-front of me pulled me into his arms and slowly lowered me to my side and then onto my back. I still felt dizzy, my head was pounding and I thought I was going to vomit. I looked up and everyone in the room was standing over me. I almost started crying but I saw how worried they all were and focused on breathing. I didn't want to worry any one anymore. I kept apologizing. I felt so bad that I hadn't said anything sooner or tried to convey the physiological things that had been happening. I was so embarrassed.
As I was sipping my water I refused any comfort verbal or otherwise for fear of waterworks. I made several lame attempts at humor, an old defense mechanism. I kept mulling over what had just happened and thinking about what I had done wrong. I was worried no one would want to tie me up anymore.
And, I was scared of the ropes.
In the positive though, this was the best place to have something go awry. Everyone acted quickly and I could tell I was in good hands. I now realize what passing out feels like and how to tell when it may happen again. The difficult part, is that many things in the 'Scene' are pretty dangerous and I know I can't always experience the edge- for fear of serious injury.
I thankfully received another offer to be tied up again. I said yes mostly to follow the old 'getting back on the horse' saying. I wanted a positive experience before leaving so that the previous one would not be so over powering.
I'm going to work on communicating better.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Greasy High Fives
The mopies are setting in again. Slowly this time. I have this image of myself wearing a lab coat and taped black rimmed glasses, holding a clip board and checking off boxes with a number 2 pencil.
I have somehow maintained a sort of objective observation of my minds path. I've found that after a play session, about two days later, I feel disconnected from people in general. Either I don't want to put the effort in to make good conversation, or I mentally push others away from me. The funny thing is I feel a sort of desperation for unsolicited external confirmation of my self worth.
Last night my roommate had a wild hair and decided that 10:30pm is the perfect time to change his fuel filter on his truck. I suddenly felt compelled to go down and see how he was attempting to accomplish this task. He was wedged under the chassis with his head lamp on. He was cursing at the slippery bolts and the trickling gas landing on his face. I laughed inside, plopped down next to him on the darkened street and started handing him tools before he asked for them. He was a little surprised that I knew what he needed. But was so focused, he continued with his mission. He briefly said 'thanks dude' and we dirty high-fived at the end.
That was it. That was all I needed. A chance to help and a pat on the back. Getting out of my head and simply helping seems to be the trick. It doesn't have to be something huge either, just cleaning the house, working diligently at my job, stopping at a crosswalk etc. These things bring me back.
I have to sort of force myself to get out and do these things, but they make me feel good inside after. It's almost like playing focuses a lot of attention on me and starts to monopolize how my mind processes and keeps the focus internal. I have to take that wonderful energy offered during play, appreciate it and then turn it out wards.
I hope this isn't a false epiphany. Only time will tell.
I have somehow maintained a sort of objective observation of my minds path. I've found that after a play session, about two days later, I feel disconnected from people in general. Either I don't want to put the effort in to make good conversation, or I mentally push others away from me. The funny thing is I feel a sort of desperation for unsolicited external confirmation of my self worth.
Last night my roommate had a wild hair and decided that 10:30pm is the perfect time to change his fuel filter on his truck. I suddenly felt compelled to go down and see how he was attempting to accomplish this task. He was wedged under the chassis with his head lamp on. He was cursing at the slippery bolts and the trickling gas landing on his face. I laughed inside, plopped down next to him on the darkened street and started handing him tools before he asked for them. He was a little surprised that I knew what he needed. But was so focused, he continued with his mission. He briefly said 'thanks dude' and we dirty high-fived at the end.
That was it. That was all I needed. A chance to help and a pat on the back. Getting out of my head and simply helping seems to be the trick. It doesn't have to be something huge either, just cleaning the house, working diligently at my job, stopping at a crosswalk etc. These things bring me back.
I have to sort of force myself to get out and do these things, but they make me feel good inside after. It's almost like playing focuses a lot of attention on me and starts to monopolize how my mind processes and keeps the focus internal. I have to take that wonderful energy offered during play, appreciate it and then turn it out wards.
I hope this isn't a false epiphany. Only time will tell.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Second Act Scene One
I've gotten over most of the trepidation that I feel towards canes. I went to the canning workshop for the specific intention to understand it's use and see other ways in which caning can be applied.
And today, I went to a caning party with a wonderful couple.
I had little fear of losing my clothing, save a cute pair of leopard print panties, since all the other bottoms around me were similarly in a state of undress. I was instructed to lay on my back on the table as both the male and female tops hovered around me with their instruments of choice. I found myself closing my eyes for the most part, to cut out any distraction and focus on the sensations. My nipples are by far the most sensitive part of my frontal anatomy.
The interesting thing was that I found my attention being drawn to the different sensations created by each individual. The female top had a talent for creating the stingy sensations and the male was proficient at creating the deeper thudiness. One sensation would grab my mind and the other would pull it back. Back and forth, back and forth.
The beginning was very sensual and quite pleasant. Then I was instructed to roll over. This is where the rest of the session was focused. As I fell deeper into my body and the sensations created I found that I stopped isolating each tops technique. I was forced in a way to do so.
The backs of my upper legs, we discovered, are extremely sensitive. Just as I was reaching the point where the pain was white in my mind and shooting through my body they would pause and deeply caress the area sending warm pulsing sensations and fits of giggles through me. I really enjoyed the constant caresses of my extremities and warmed skin. It created a sort of connection and kept the confusing differences coursing through me. I could feel the moment when I slipped into that warm glow and mind numbness.
After wards they sat me in a very soft and fluffy chair, both individuals caressing and holding me. I sipped the cool water offered and nestled into the chair. I was on the verge of tears but held back for fear of confusing the tops. When I cry it seems, it is a release of all of the emotions and overwhelming sensations, rarely out of sadness. Eventually I fell into a pretty deep sleep.
Upon waking I felt the urge to relieve my bladder and found that I was quite wet. I ate a snack and returned to my chair. Eventually I redressed and watched the male top work on the female bottom. I walked to her upper body and caressed her as she had done for me.
I found my submissive self back in full. She was in-charge of my mind and I could feel the concern for those around me as well as the all embodying empathy that I am able to deeply touch on when in that mind space.
We discussed what was liked and disliked (almost nothing honestly) and shared what was felt. They told me it was difficult to read when I was reaching my edge. I found it difficult to convey more or less pain because I didn't like to feel as if I were leading the scene. I wish to trust my top enough to read my body language. However, I can see that being unreasonable at least in the beginning. After all they aren't mind readers.
When I arrived home I changed into comfortable clothing and sat on my porch. It was still warm and sunny outside with a gentle breeze. I heard strains of a violin being played and it pulled me back into the sensations I'd felt. As I rode the wave of sensations, I got wet again.
I'm blushing at this moment because the scenes I've experienced rarely take me to a sensual place. I continued my 'after care' in my bedroom. It was quick and whole bodied.
My roommates commented about my appearance saying that I looked great and calmly happy. They were unaware of where I'd been and what I'd been doing.
I fixed myself a nice 'linner' did some emailing and fell asleep for several hours. Upon waking in this moment I still feel the glow and deeply tired. When I move around my attention is drawn to tender spots, but it's a pleasant sensation.
Overall it was a wonderful experience and I'm excited about the many prospects to explore the wide range of sensation play. I feel very content.
And today, I went to a caning party with a wonderful couple.
I had little fear of losing my clothing, save a cute pair of leopard print panties, since all the other bottoms around me were similarly in a state of undress. I was instructed to lay on my back on the table as both the male and female tops hovered around me with their instruments of choice. I found myself closing my eyes for the most part, to cut out any distraction and focus on the sensations. My nipples are by far the most sensitive part of my frontal anatomy.
The interesting thing was that I found my attention being drawn to the different sensations created by each individual. The female top had a talent for creating the stingy sensations and the male was proficient at creating the deeper thudiness. One sensation would grab my mind and the other would pull it back. Back and forth, back and forth.
The beginning was very sensual and quite pleasant. Then I was instructed to roll over. This is where the rest of the session was focused. As I fell deeper into my body and the sensations created I found that I stopped isolating each tops technique. I was forced in a way to do so.
The backs of my upper legs, we discovered, are extremely sensitive. Just as I was reaching the point where the pain was white in my mind and shooting through my body they would pause and deeply caress the area sending warm pulsing sensations and fits of giggles through me. I really enjoyed the constant caresses of my extremities and warmed skin. It created a sort of connection and kept the confusing differences coursing through me. I could feel the moment when I slipped into that warm glow and mind numbness.
After wards they sat me in a very soft and fluffy chair, both individuals caressing and holding me. I sipped the cool water offered and nestled into the chair. I was on the verge of tears but held back for fear of confusing the tops. When I cry it seems, it is a release of all of the emotions and overwhelming sensations, rarely out of sadness. Eventually I fell into a pretty deep sleep.
Upon waking I felt the urge to relieve my bladder and found that I was quite wet. I ate a snack and returned to my chair. Eventually I redressed and watched the male top work on the female bottom. I walked to her upper body and caressed her as she had done for me.
I found my submissive self back in full. She was in-charge of my mind and I could feel the concern for those around me as well as the all embodying empathy that I am able to deeply touch on when in that mind space.
We discussed what was liked and disliked (almost nothing honestly) and shared what was felt. They told me it was difficult to read when I was reaching my edge. I found it difficult to convey more or less pain because I didn't like to feel as if I were leading the scene. I wish to trust my top enough to read my body language. However, I can see that being unreasonable at least in the beginning. After all they aren't mind readers.
When I arrived home I changed into comfortable clothing and sat on my porch. It was still warm and sunny outside with a gentle breeze. I heard strains of a violin being played and it pulled me back into the sensations I'd felt. As I rode the wave of sensations, I got wet again.
I'm blushing at this moment because the scenes I've experienced rarely take me to a sensual place. I continued my 'after care' in my bedroom. It was quick and whole bodied.
My roommates commented about my appearance saying that I looked great and calmly happy. They were unaware of where I'd been and what I'd been doing.
I fixed myself a nice 'linner' did some emailing and fell asleep for several hours. Upon waking in this moment I still feel the glow and deeply tired. When I move around my attention is drawn to tender spots, but it's a pleasant sensation.
Overall it was a wonderful experience and I'm excited about the many prospects to explore the wide range of sensation play. I feel very content.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Connection
I spent my evening listening.
When I stopped speaking and shut off the mental dialogue while just honestly listening, was when I felt most connected to all of those around me.
I experienced people who were numb from emotional overload, escaping pain, enjoying the excitement of discovery, stable and also listening to others etc.
I was randomly hugged and caressed by those who wished to share contact and accepted it for what it was. A way to connect.
Later I went to a pro dommes' house with someone who was balanced and searching and another who was struggling with their disconnect. She (the domme) a woman of much life experience, was talking about what she found to be important in life. It brought the image of Harold and Maude to mind. The more I sat quietly and only made acknowledgment type sounds and a few anecdotes the more calm I became inside. I attempted non judgment about the disconnected individual and found bits of myself within him.
As the evening came to an appropriate end for me I left the house and walked quietly to my car. I slept well that evening and upon waking the next morning I still had that centered calm.
The experience was similar to a seven day retreat I attended where there was no communication and meditation for 8 hours a day. Towards the end of the week I found that everyone around me had been struggling as hard as I had been and I felt a deep connection with them without having to discuss it. They felt the same depth of connection with me and knew nothing about the particulars of myself.
I love the merit in listening and sharing in moments for those moments. And I appreciate the connection I feel with those around me. There is a particular draw that this maintained mind set has that draws others to me.
It's very pleasant.
When I stopped speaking and shut off the mental dialogue while just honestly listening, was when I felt most connected to all of those around me.
I experienced people who were numb from emotional overload, escaping pain, enjoying the excitement of discovery, stable and also listening to others etc.
I was randomly hugged and caressed by those who wished to share contact and accepted it for what it was. A way to connect.
Later I went to a pro dommes' house with someone who was balanced and searching and another who was struggling with their disconnect. She (the domme) a woman of much life experience, was talking about what she found to be important in life. It brought the image of Harold and Maude to mind. The more I sat quietly and only made acknowledgment type sounds and a few anecdotes the more calm I became inside. I attempted non judgment about the disconnected individual and found bits of myself within him.
As the evening came to an appropriate end for me I left the house and walked quietly to my car. I slept well that evening and upon waking the next morning I still had that centered calm.
The experience was similar to a seven day retreat I attended where there was no communication and meditation for 8 hours a day. Towards the end of the week I found that everyone around me had been struggling as hard as I had been and I felt a deep connection with them without having to discuss it. They felt the same depth of connection with me and knew nothing about the particulars of myself.
I love the merit in listening and sharing in moments for those moments. And I appreciate the connection I feel with those around me. There is a particular draw that this maintained mind set has that draws others to me.
It's very pleasant.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Clarity
As I've had time to more fully digest the new realizations I've had, there is more clarity that I now have to better verbalize my thoughts.
The main focus of the edge play workshop was to know yourself intimately and figure out the limits that need pushing. Looking deeply into my psyche I realized that my limits were emotional ones.
My general experiences and reactions have mostly been either all or nothing when it comes to emotional boundaries. My urge to be in a committed relationship was one where I could impulsively let go all the way. This was unhealthy for me to aspire to. Not finding and exploring a balance ensured that the relationship I truly one day hope for would never come to fruition.
When I isolated myself it was out of fear. A sort of defense mechanism was reactivated that I used before entering the scene. As I observed myself and my interactions with others I found that I had reverted. This state is so unsatisfactory that I realized I need to change, no matter which way, because the way I feel during such isolation was not what I really want or need.
When I first entered the scene I was excited and open to almost everything, but the fear that I couldn't control the intensity of my emotions whispered into my subconscious and honestly freaked me out.
I truly want to be able to find intimacy and connection while still having some balance and control over the depth of said emotions. I've seen through observation and a little experience that finding this balance creates a fuller and more rich human experience.
When I find that person whom I will eventually fall deeply in love with it will be a choice and I will enter that relationship with eyes open with no fear or desperate attachment.
What I hope for currently as I explore, is to be taught and guided about the level of service and submission that fulfills me. I hope to love and feel a connection with a proposed person or persons without falling in love. I've found that the key for me will be to check in with myself frequently and make sure that there is still an internal balance and adjust accordingly if there isn't. Verbally talking and sharing my mental state and allowing me to see myself entirely without bias or judgment is vital.
One thing I would not allow myself to accept previously, is that I know and trust myself well enough to see potential dangers. I am capable of self protection in a way that will not take my psyche down a destructive and harmful path. I hope to challenge and push this ability to confirm and strengthen this healthy trait.
I've said before that I attempt to make the correct decisions in the moment without obsessing about the outcome or future in the hopes that those decisions will eventually lead to new realizations and a deeper life experience.
The main focus of the edge play workshop was to know yourself intimately and figure out the limits that need pushing. Looking deeply into my psyche I realized that my limits were emotional ones.
My general experiences and reactions have mostly been either all or nothing when it comes to emotional boundaries. My urge to be in a committed relationship was one where I could impulsively let go all the way. This was unhealthy for me to aspire to. Not finding and exploring a balance ensured that the relationship I truly one day hope for would never come to fruition.
When I isolated myself it was out of fear. A sort of defense mechanism was reactivated that I used before entering the scene. As I observed myself and my interactions with others I found that I had reverted. This state is so unsatisfactory that I realized I need to change, no matter which way, because the way I feel during such isolation was not what I really want or need.
When I first entered the scene I was excited and open to almost everything, but the fear that I couldn't control the intensity of my emotions whispered into my subconscious and honestly freaked me out.
I truly want to be able to find intimacy and connection while still having some balance and control over the depth of said emotions. I've seen through observation and a little experience that finding this balance creates a fuller and more rich human experience.
When I find that person whom I will eventually fall deeply in love with it will be a choice and I will enter that relationship with eyes open with no fear or desperate attachment.
What I hope for currently as I explore, is to be taught and guided about the level of service and submission that fulfills me. I hope to love and feel a connection with a proposed person or persons without falling in love. I've found that the key for me will be to check in with myself frequently and make sure that there is still an internal balance and adjust accordingly if there isn't. Verbally talking and sharing my mental state and allowing me to see myself entirely without bias or judgment is vital.
One thing I would not allow myself to accept previously, is that I know and trust myself well enough to see potential dangers. I am capable of self protection in a way that will not take my psyche down a destructive and harmful path. I hope to challenge and push this ability to confirm and strengthen this healthy trait.
I've said before that I attempt to make the correct decisions in the moment without obsessing about the outcome or future in the hopes that those decisions will eventually lead to new realizations and a deeper life experience.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
To Play or not to Play
I've just gotten back from the biggest kinky event of the year. My mind is finally clear in a way that I haven't felt since I first started in the scene.
I didn't play once. I felt proud that I can indeed resist playing. And, I felt tormented having passed up so many great opportunities to play.
I went to several work shops and had several breakthroughs. The point to know your self intimately and be able to communicate well was pounded into my head over and over. I came to a shining realization about what my needs are.
I am an inherently emotional person. That's a fact about myself. And it's a good thing I believe. I have a great deal of love and empathy to share and the mental side of playing is so much more intense for me. Having accepted this and embracing it has allowed me to resolve the inner conflict within me. I've felt as of late a need to change that particular fact and deciding against that kind of change has in turn allowed me to verbalize what I need in the future to accommodate and fulfill this need.
Having the feeling that I need to be in love has been all consuming for so long. I now know that I am honestly not prepared for the pressures and the emotional depths that showering all of my love on one individual entails.
I am fully capable of spreading that love around as long as I have some sort of support network that I can touch base with and receive the empathic and active listening that I enjoy embodying.
Because playing is like a drug to me, I've also found that I will need a steady flow. The ideal would be one or two individuals to play with regularly, time permitting. And then playing with others just for some light hearted fun. I need some sort of connection and it doesn't have to be a relationship or even a significantly deep connection, there just has to be something there.
I haven't quite figured out how to 'reject' offers from those I don't wish to play with, at least not in that moment.
I also prefer playing with experienced individuals who have experienced the gambit of different bottoms in the scene and won't be surprised about what ever 'stuff' is brought to the surface while playing with me.
Whew. That's it for the moment. We'll see how long this realization lasts and weather or not this clarity will perservear.
I didn't play once. I felt proud that I can indeed resist playing. And, I felt tormented having passed up so many great opportunities to play.
I went to several work shops and had several breakthroughs. The point to know your self intimately and be able to communicate well was pounded into my head over and over. I came to a shining realization about what my needs are.
I am an inherently emotional person. That's a fact about myself. And it's a good thing I believe. I have a great deal of love and empathy to share and the mental side of playing is so much more intense for me. Having accepted this and embracing it has allowed me to resolve the inner conflict within me. I've felt as of late a need to change that particular fact and deciding against that kind of change has in turn allowed me to verbalize what I need in the future to accommodate and fulfill this need.
Having the feeling that I need to be in love has been all consuming for so long. I now know that I am honestly not prepared for the pressures and the emotional depths that showering all of my love on one individual entails.
I am fully capable of spreading that love around as long as I have some sort of support network that I can touch base with and receive the empathic and active listening that I enjoy embodying.
Because playing is like a drug to me, I've also found that I will need a steady flow. The ideal would be one or two individuals to play with regularly, time permitting. And then playing with others just for some light hearted fun. I need some sort of connection and it doesn't have to be a relationship or even a significantly deep connection, there just has to be something there.
I haven't quite figured out how to 'reject' offers from those I don't wish to play with, at least not in that moment.
I also prefer playing with experienced individuals who have experienced the gambit of different bottoms in the scene and won't be surprised about what ever 'stuff' is brought to the surface while playing with me.
Whew. That's it for the moment. We'll see how long this realization lasts and weather or not this clarity will perservear.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Whoops
Situations of situations!
We have a few friends with birthdays this month and my roommate decided to throw an impromptu surprise party for said friends.
As the evening progressed and the preparations came to an end, we decided that is would be a brilliant idea to hide all 50 people by shoving them in the walkway between one of my other roommates' and my rooms. Now, 50 people need much more space then offered. So they all wandered into our bedrooms. As they all congregated and the party continued, I suddenly remembered that I had several compromising items casually laying about my room.
My personal dildo, handcuffs, several books on BDSM and a few bundles of rope all strategically placed on the floor next to my bed.
Needless to say I was outed to nearly 50 people. My face was a shade similar to my 'other' cheeks after a nice beating.
All I could do was not mention it and hope they were all too intoxicated to notice. A few people casually brought it up, most said nothing. Several guys seemed compelled to engage me in explicit conversations after the yelling of surprise...
Oops.
We have a few friends with birthdays this month and my roommate decided to throw an impromptu surprise party for said friends.
As the evening progressed and the preparations came to an end, we decided that is would be a brilliant idea to hide all 50 people by shoving them in the walkway between one of my other roommates' and my rooms. Now, 50 people need much more space then offered. So they all wandered into our bedrooms. As they all congregated and the party continued, I suddenly remembered that I had several compromising items casually laying about my room.
My personal dildo, handcuffs, several books on BDSM and a few bundles of rope all strategically placed on the floor next to my bed.
Needless to say I was outed to nearly 50 people. My face was a shade similar to my 'other' cheeks after a nice beating.
All I could do was not mention it and hope they were all too intoxicated to notice. A few people casually brought it up, most said nothing. Several guys seemed compelled to engage me in explicit conversations after the yelling of surprise...
Oops.
The Joy of Service
After a wonderful tea party at my friend Chris's house, everyone present decided to have a pleasant outing to the local corner store. Chris was mentioning how he would need to change his dress shoes to walking shoes.
I looked at him and smiled. Now, Chris and I have a unique understanding about each other that doesn't require the spoken word. He knows about my tendencies and he got this little smirk on his face.
In the sternest voice he could muster he ordered me to go to his room and "Attempt to select the correct pair of shoes," that he wanted to wear. He said there were two possibility and he wanted to see if I would choose the correct ones. I calmed myself internally and mentally focused on the task at hand. Like a small excited child I bounced up and ran up the stairs.
I knelt near his closet and after much debating, chose the pair of shoes that matched what he was wearing as apposed to the pair that he would most likely choose. When I came down with them I could tell I had chosen incorrectly by the expression on his face. With another smirk however he said, "Put them on for me."
He sat down in a tall backed ornate chair and crossed one leg at the knee. His slacks fell nicely. His silk Windsor knotted tie shifted to the side slightly as he propped his chin between his thumb, index and middle finger, his elbow resting on the arm of the chair. Kneeling in front of him and looking up at his casual expression and demeanor, I have to admit (I got a little wet). An odd thing to have happen with my gay friend whom I've known since childhood. I focused on his feet and attempted to be as unnoticeable as possible. He continued having a conversation with our other friend who was watching everything.
When I completed the task he stood and grabbed his pea coat. Nothing was said about what had happened. I followed behind him and contemplated the whole thing. The amusing part was our friend started being excessively accommodating by opening doors and holding burdensome items; something quite unusual for him.
We all had an amused grin for quite some time after.
I looked at him and smiled. Now, Chris and I have a unique understanding about each other that doesn't require the spoken word. He knows about my tendencies and he got this little smirk on his face.
In the sternest voice he could muster he ordered me to go to his room and "Attempt to select the correct pair of shoes," that he wanted to wear. He said there were two possibility and he wanted to see if I would choose the correct ones. I calmed myself internally and mentally focused on the task at hand. Like a small excited child I bounced up and ran up the stairs.
I knelt near his closet and after much debating, chose the pair of shoes that matched what he was wearing as apposed to the pair that he would most likely choose. When I came down with them I could tell I had chosen incorrectly by the expression on his face. With another smirk however he said, "Put them on for me."
He sat down in a tall backed ornate chair and crossed one leg at the knee. His slacks fell nicely. His silk Windsor knotted tie shifted to the side slightly as he propped his chin between his thumb, index and middle finger, his elbow resting on the arm of the chair. Kneeling in front of him and looking up at his casual expression and demeanor, I have to admit (I got a little wet). An odd thing to have happen with my gay friend whom I've known since childhood. I focused on his feet and attempted to be as unnoticeable as possible. He continued having a conversation with our other friend who was watching everything.
When I completed the task he stood and grabbed his pea coat. Nothing was said about what had happened. I followed behind him and contemplated the whole thing. The amusing part was our friend started being excessively accommodating by opening doors and holding burdensome items; something quite unusual for him.
We all had an amused grin for quite some time after.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The Progression
I've stopped playing all together. And while it's incredibly frustrating, it's easier.
While playing is awesome, I let go to some extent and I love the feelings that go on inside of me, immediately after I feel deeply sad, even with excellent after care. I know that this is important to me and I have learned oodles about myself and how to play better. But the playing casually is draining.
I have this fantasy of finding a ridiculously awkward and unattractive guy that I flirt mercilessly with, grab his cock and let him clumsily fuck me. Right after I roll over and run away in the fantasy. I'm not sure what it means, maybe it's me being emotionally S/M.
To some extent playing makes me feel the same way after. I don't really care about the person and they don't actually care for me either. I feel like it cheapens the whole intimate experience and that when it does come time to have meaningful D/s with some one I care for and even love, that all there will be floating in my mind are these cheep and cold experiences. I worry I might even leave the scene all together. The thought has crossed my mind on occasion.
While playing is awesome, I let go to some extent and I love the feelings that go on inside of me, immediately after I feel deeply sad, even with excellent after care. I know that this is important to me and I have learned oodles about myself and how to play better. But the playing casually is draining.
I have this fantasy of finding a ridiculously awkward and unattractive guy that I flirt mercilessly with, grab his cock and let him clumsily fuck me. Right after I roll over and run away in the fantasy. I'm not sure what it means, maybe it's me being emotionally S/M.
To some extent playing makes me feel the same way after. I don't really care about the person and they don't actually care for me either. I feel like it cheapens the whole intimate experience and that when it does come time to have meaningful D/s with some one I care for and even love, that all there will be floating in my mind are these cheep and cold experiences. I worry I might even leave the scene all together. The thought has crossed my mind on occasion.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Cliches
I am a firm believer that cliches are truths spoken too regularly by those who do not fully comprehend their meaning thus making them 'cliches'.
The one new truth "Learn to love yourself" is the one I have recently come to comprehend. I believe I am beginning to have a love affair with myself. I picture my inner me being kissed lovingly on the forehead by me. Yes, it is a strange concept.
I was thinking on all of the couples I've known who were genuinely in love with each other and how they in turn love those around them peacefully. The security of being loved by another removes all of the trepidation and loneliness thereby allowing them the confidence to love others without fear of loss.
When I think about it, it seems a healthy out look. I care for myself in a way that I would a lover. I think of what is best for me and I sacrifice for me. I am submissive and leader at the same time. I could see this leading into a more balanced and loving relationship with an external person.
And in turn I see how I love others without attachment, jealousy, or fear. I feel connected and see the goodness in others without needing that understanding in return because I have found that acceptance in myself with myself.
The one new truth "Learn to love yourself" is the one I have recently come to comprehend. I believe I am beginning to have a love affair with myself. I picture my inner me being kissed lovingly on the forehead by me. Yes, it is a strange concept.
I was thinking on all of the couples I've known who were genuinely in love with each other and how they in turn love those around them peacefully. The security of being loved by another removes all of the trepidation and loneliness thereby allowing them the confidence to love others without fear of loss.
When I think about it, it seems a healthy out look. I care for myself in a way that I would a lover. I think of what is best for me and I sacrifice for me. I am submissive and leader at the same time. I could see this leading into a more balanced and loving relationship with an external person.
And in turn I see how I love others without attachment, jealousy, or fear. I feel connected and see the goodness in others without needing that understanding in return because I have found that acceptance in myself with myself.
Friday, March 6, 2009
The Etiquette of Closed Doors
This evening I was constructing a pencil skirt from a pair of beloved pants to wear for the pan sexual party this Saturday. I was so struck with my creativeness I was exclaiming things like "Awesome!" and "Sweet!" to myself alone in my bed room.
Towards the end I had the entire outfit on and I was turning circles in the mirror to make sure everything fit well. When unbeknownst to me my roommate, struggling the most with my new found recreational activities, wandered in asking a question about jumper cables.
I turned around in surprise and we both just stood there in stunned silence. His eyes were stuck on a particular part of my anatomy. He was completely still. I was trying so hard not to laugh I almost dislocated a rib.
Unfortunately my barely restrained and jiggly bosom gave me away. In a deep voice that I almost didn't catch, he exclaimed,
"Whoa...Boobies".
Boobies?! I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing and attempted to show some semblance of modesty by shielding myself. We both turned away from each other and he disappeared like The Flash.
Maybe next time he'll knock...Maybe not.Sunday, March 1, 2009
Never Ever Say Never
While speaking with several friends over the past week, I've noticed a trend. Most of them have had certain realizations about themselves that they swore would never come to be. This caused me to stop and ponder my own limits.
After having a deep and empathic conversation with my friend who knows me on the most mentally intimate level, I found myself blurting out things that revolutionized my proposed belief systems. We were discussing how he responded to the male figures in his life at the tender age of 5 and how it was obviously a foreshadowing for his current acceptance of his homosexuality.
I was comparing how I related to both sexes as a young child as well and how that was consistent with my acknowledged bisexuality today.
While speaking I noted how, with women I was always comfortable exploring sexual things. It was gentle, safe and frankly easy. I greatly care for women and feel a simple mutually understood empathic connection with them. The emotional connection is easily attained, more rounded and all encompassing than is possible with a man.
With men, it is an intoxicating and frankly terrifying draw that is full of intense exploration and obsessive abandon. It lacks the ease of immediate connection, but the simplicity that a man offers is a pleasing balance to the many contradictions and complications of myself. Eventually with a man the understood connection becomes deeper and feels more primal than with a woman.
This acknowledgment then progressed towards contemplations I've recently been touching on regarding my interactions with a married couple. When I first played with them it seemed to confirm that I would never be poly.
Their deep love for each other left me as an observer more than as an equal contributor.
I am more than comfortable with this form of a relationship because I see the benefit I offer in being involved with them to this limited extent. I also see that with the both of them together there is a pleasing balance. He offers the male simplicity and solidity. She acts as an emotional confidant sharing in the same journey. However, it is understood that this particular situation would not be enough to satisfy me long term.
Knowing myself well enough and standing back watching how I interact with them, I have come to realize that I would be more than capable of being in a triad where all parties involved loved each other as equally as possible. Granted, the love would be different since no two people are the same. And with open communication I could the see inevitable jealousy working itself out. It would take very particular people.
But I now conceive that, it is possible.
After having a deep and empathic conversation with my friend who knows me on the most mentally intimate level, I found myself blurting out things that revolutionized my proposed belief systems. We were discussing how he responded to the male figures in his life at the tender age of 5 and how it was obviously a foreshadowing for his current acceptance of his homosexuality.
I was comparing how I related to both sexes as a young child as well and how that was consistent with my acknowledged bisexuality today.
While speaking I noted how, with women I was always comfortable exploring sexual things. It was gentle, safe and frankly easy. I greatly care for women and feel a simple mutually understood empathic connection with them. The emotional connection is easily attained, more rounded and all encompassing than is possible with a man.
With men, it is an intoxicating and frankly terrifying draw that is full of intense exploration and obsessive abandon. It lacks the ease of immediate connection, but the simplicity that a man offers is a pleasing balance to the many contradictions and complications of myself. Eventually with a man the understood connection becomes deeper and feels more primal than with a woman.
This acknowledgment then progressed towards contemplations I've recently been touching on regarding my interactions with a married couple. When I first played with them it seemed to confirm that I would never be poly.
Their deep love for each other left me as an observer more than as an equal contributor.
I am more than comfortable with this form of a relationship because I see the benefit I offer in being involved with them to this limited extent. I also see that with the both of them together there is a pleasing balance. He offers the male simplicity and solidity. She acts as an emotional confidant sharing in the same journey. However, it is understood that this particular situation would not be enough to satisfy me long term.
Knowing myself well enough and standing back watching how I interact with them, I have come to realize that I would be more than capable of being in a triad where all parties involved loved each other as equally as possible. Granted, the love would be different since no two people are the same. And with open communication I could the see inevitable jealousy working itself out. It would take very particular people.
But I now conceive that, it is possible.
Amusing
I stumbled acrossed this while on Fetlife and it made me chuckle. I thought I'd post it here to amuse.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Playing House
I was glancing through photos on my friends profiles. What I saw were 20 somethings standing around applying pinchy things, playing with ropes and using hitty items on each other.
Most were smiling with slight dazed expressions. Like little Janie holding her mothers giant cooking ladle, or Tommy holding his daddies' grown up hammer they all seemed adolescent.
Sometimes, and I'm sure this is why I don't hang out at "the apartment" much any more, it feels like we're playing house. As if in our childlike basic understanding we are acting out what we see without fully comprehending the depths of the situations we are creating. In many ways this is healthy and normal because everyone there is on the same level.
For me however, it strikes a hallow cord. Not to say I'm more advanced or I find no purpose in their play. It definitely helped me learn some things about myself, the safety of equals. However, the lack of realness seems to cheapen the experience. I'm left wanting more and I know it cannot be offered there.
I find myself responding to it like I do video games. Becoming bored and attempting to find the most creative ways to die. I get bored, I say 'no' because I know they won't make me. Honestly I become a brat. How can that be a good thing?
So, for now I make friends, chat and wait. I've been doing it for a while and will continue for the time being. I can find happiness in that. After all I will one day miss this.
Most were smiling with slight dazed expressions. Like little Janie holding her mothers giant cooking ladle, or Tommy holding his daddies' grown up hammer they all seemed adolescent.
Sometimes, and I'm sure this is why I don't hang out at "the apartment" much any more, it feels like we're playing house. As if in our childlike basic understanding we are acting out what we see without fully comprehending the depths of the situations we are creating. In many ways this is healthy and normal because everyone there is on the same level.
For me however, it strikes a hallow cord. Not to say I'm more advanced or I find no purpose in their play. It definitely helped me learn some things about myself, the safety of equals. However, the lack of realness seems to cheapen the experience. I'm left wanting more and I know it cannot be offered there.
I find myself responding to it like I do video games. Becoming bored and attempting to find the most creative ways to die. I get bored, I say 'no' because I know they won't make me. Honestly I become a brat. How can that be a good thing?
So, for now I make friends, chat and wait. I've been doing it for a while and will continue for the time being. I can find happiness in that. After all I will one day miss this.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Ponderings
As a submissive I wish only to please, to learn what is expected of me and do it properly. I wish to avoid reproach and seek the smiling approval of a Dom.
But I also enjoy pain. I don't seek it out intentionally (unless playing for that purpose) and if threatened with pain I would do what is necessary to avoid it.
The balance of a hypothetical relationship with a Sadist seems to me to be a challenge. To receive the pain I would want, I would have to resort to being a "bratty sub" a sort of topping from the bottom. This idea makes me cringe.
Granted in the beginning there would be plenty of punishments as I would be learning. However, eventually I would learn and it would no longer be necessary.
Perhaps the Sadist would select things he knew I would be unable to change. Things about myself that are inherent. Still I would strive to stop these things. I could see mentally beating myself up about it. Though, that too would be another form of pain.
Such an odd balance that would be- to want approval, love and hate my failings and need but attempt to avoid pain.
Curious.
The Merit of Communication
I have on several occasions played together with my submissive friend and her Sadist husband. The experiences I've had with them have always been extremely informational and I've always seemed to be an observer with mild participation.
A few weeks ago we were all sitting in the living room trying to decide on what to do. I had no concept of what I wished to experience and encounter so I gave little input. The evening was, needless to say, mild.
This evening was entirely different.
When he came home from work he walked in to see my friend and I completely naked with our noses buried in a book containing photos of 'how to' on shibari. We had twisted rope all over the floor and were laughing so hard we could barely tie knots properly. I can't even imagine what that looked like. But, I think it was amusing because he had a slight smirk on his face.
I like shibari.
Upon arriving home from dinner we were asked what we wanted to do that evening and we produced a list previously written containing the things we both wished to eventually experience.
With the aid of a negotiation class taught a few weeks ago, I found my confidence in the negotiation process that I am eternally grateful for having learned. I was honest and straight forward and allowed room for creativity and surprise on his part.
The scene contained an quite a bit of pain involving canes, paddles and nipple clamps. I was also instructed to cane my friend and felt humiliated as piece of furniture.
At some point I reached that "What the (insert expletive here) am I doing?!" moment and began to seriously question my ability to make good decisions.
We were challenged and told that whomever whimpered first was the loser. Needless to say I'm a pussy. The hardest part was verbally acknowledging that I was indeed the loser.
Later, we were on our backs side by side and bound together as he hovered a burning candle over us. The tension of unpredictability as to where the wax would fall was overwhelming. He asked us questions throughout and in my simpletons mind I was completely unable to follow the line of questioning or even respond to those questions asked.
Apparently I like wax too.
Afterwards, as we were cuddling on each side of him and I was through crying he made a comment I found interesting. We were discussing what we enjoyed and he said that he liked how different our reactions were. He mentioned my expression and how interesting the slight smile and pain mixed together on my face was.
All I could think was "Hm" and felt happy inside.
The Game
Last evening I had the opportunity to play a game that involved receiving pain until I could no longer 'ask' for more. At that point the pain would be directed to my bound friend. And vice versa.
We were bound together back to back. As the ropes were applied, it created that floaty drugged feeling I always seem to have whenever they touch my skin.
During the scene, as my friend was receiving the pain I couldn't, every strike sent shivers through my whole body like an aftershock.
There was a small pile of instruments that were used and as it dwindled to none I felt a sigh of relief flow through me. When the inflicter walked over to where the pile had been, he hesitated. Slowly he turned around with fingers splayed and looked devilishly at the simplest of tools, his hand. I have to admit I was glaring.
Throughout the experience I felt determined to take the brunt of the pain knowing I could handle more than my friend. Surprisingly I handled much more than I thought possible for me. I loved the challenge and felt completely alert but 'gone'.
When the scene was through and the ropes were off I had a deep trembling in me that I'm not quite sure was visible to those who watched. Thinking on it now- I still tremble.
My friend glanced at me and with the simple comment, "You were such a trooper" I fell into sobs. It was liberating and cathartic as the tears flowed easily. The Dom gently smoothed my hair and rubbed my shoulder, my head resting on his standing torso. I felt calm and deeply at peace.
I later saw a photo of my face immediately after having been struck and the expression fascinated me. My distant smile and a pain filled grimace seemed to coexist nicely.
There were oh so many levels to my experience.
That night, when I arrived home, I fell int a deep sleep that I haven't felt since childhood.
The Mighty Pen
Last night I was intently listening to a guest speaker at a group I was attending. I was incredibly engrossed in the conversation. When, out of the blue, the gentleman reached over without looking at me and pulled a pen I was gnawing on out of my mouth and placed it on the table.
"Wha..what?" was my first thought. I went completely calm and then my mind ran like a wild banshee. Was it how I was holding the pen? Was I distracting? Was I socially inappropriate? etc. etc. Eventually I settled on - pen in mouth = bad.
A few seconds later I was once again engrossed in the conversation. Eventually my mind wandered when I was trying to decide weather or not I could pick up the pen to take notes. Suddenly I became aware that I was chewing on my fingers. I was so embarrassed that I reached for my beverage to occupy my fidgety hands, and I froze. I realized in that moment that everything I did absently, was focused on my mouth.
Smoking, lip gloss, eating, drinking, my fingers, chewing random stuff, the popsicles I always have in the freezer, sucking my thumb till I was almost 11, always having gum handy, my obsession with fellatio etc.
The image of the Buddhist reference to individuals who are always searching and are constantly dissatisfied flashed in my mind. They call them 'hungry ghosts' and describe them as beings with enormous stomachs who only have pin hole mouths. They are always ravenous and always searching, never satisfied. Was I a hungry ghost?
Maybe I have an oral fixation. Well, maybe more than maybe. What does that stem from? Is it wrong? Gah! My mind went nuts. Then I thought- Maybe I'm over analyzing.
Damn Pen.
The Challenge
Being a single submissive is so difficult at times.
I feel like there are two parts of me. The innocent sub waiting to be led and protected. And the watchful observant mother looking for that right Dom for my submissive side. I'm like a new mother who knows nothing and has no idea what I'm doing.
I have a deep sadness inside of me that feels the profound lonely. I watch, talk and learn and still that 'one' never shows. In some ways I know exactly what I want but fear that I am too limiting in what I seek.
I am freely open about myself and my inner desires yet I stay separate, I hold back. Still, how would I know if the right Dom were standing right in front of me staring me in the face?
Other times I feel like I am too serious about it. I am told regularly to stop looking and enjoy the moment and I can appreciate the merit in that statement. After all it has only been a month. I enjoy the people I have met and feel a connection with most. I have had a glorious time playing and learning.
Still the sadness is there. I know myself well enough to know that this is a passing phase and that I will be back to my jovial self, laughing and teasing.
I suppose this is the best lesson in patience, something I greatly lack.Sunday, February 1, 2009
What I've Learned
These are the things I learned about myself in the last month.
Floggers put me to sleep
Canes frighten me
Paddles excite me
Rope on my skin is the fastest way to put me in sub space
Being bound tightly makes me feel clam and infinitely secure
Biting is wonderfully intense
Girls taste yummy, feel soft and know what they're doing
Ginger is very nice
Punishment both physical or mental brings me to a deep calm
Avoid public play at all costs but secretly love it
Feel happy when I can't sit well the next day
Enjoy surrendering to a hand gently applying increasing amounts of pressure to my throat
Love people
Obsessed about anything to do with a cock
Going more than a week without play is no bueno
Don't like to argue because I might win
Feel most comfortable kneeling on the floor
Zippers are love/hate thing...
I wonder what this month will bring
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