The passage of time

One heart heals faster than another's and I'm a bit of an idiot.

I don't regret the time I gave myself in his company to find answers to lingering questions, but I do regret not appreciating my vulnerability. Believing I can handle more than I'm actually able to handle seems to be a frighteningly present theme as of late.

Looking back and comparing with the present I found that there was more than the poly that chafed. It's comforting and sad to find that it still might have ended had the particular challenge of poly not been there.

But there was something to be gained by everything. As a child through to adult hood I watched as my mother stripped my father of his manhood. As the middle child and always the peace maker, I was confidant to both and I came to the conclusion that my mother's motivations were unhealthy but that she had settled in many ways.

Unbeknownst to me, I had inadvertently chosen someone who was almost and exact duplicate of my father. What I achieved from the relationship was something unexpected. I was allowed to heal the injustice that my father was never given, and I did not make the same mistake my mother made.

Deemed the turtle, as one close friend often references me so symbolically, I move in my own time. I have little urge to engage in yet another trying and emotionally complicated endeavor i.e relationship. Rather, I prefer to find my grounding again. To reflect and stabilize. Unlike the turtle though, I am not fully ensconced in the shell and choose to allow my sensitive underbelly to remain elevated and exposed.

The most challenging of this whole experience is the loneliness and ever present sex drive screaming in my ear. Part of me cringes to admit it publicly but I know that others feel and have felt as I do right now. The sobering realization I've seen is that I am no different than other women. I have the same emotional challenges and instinctive urges and although I am unique as an individual, I must realize that I am still quite human.

The loneliness can be sated with friends and adventures. The sex drive will just have to wait yet again. Only once have I been led by my sexual urges and it was firmly put in it's place. For the most part I act quite rationally and rarely follow a whim. It's served me quite well in the past and I will encourage it to do so in the future.

I appreciate having learned that I am indeed capable of letting down walls and I feel an evolution happening within, a blossoming I once thought snuffed. I've also learned that the 'blossom' needs a vigilant eye. I will never regret the decisions I have made as they always reveal their purpose in time.

Most important of all, I've learned to trust and am forever greatfull for it.

Cancer

The moment I let my guard down and start to relax about my father, I'm shown how frail the human body is. And even though he is the strongest person I know, he too will die.

My fathers cancer is worse. He has small cell stage 4 lung cancer that has metastasized everywhere. The doctors just told us that he now has yet another tumor on his diaphragm. The chemo has basically fucked up his bone marrow and he's suffering from fainting spells because he's so anemic. They are thinking of switching the kind of chemo he's getting and the time off they hoped for is now gone.

We all know that he's terminal but the slow degrade is... well, I can't even put into words the millions of emotions I feel when I think about it and when I try not too. No matter how hard I try to live normally it's always there peeking into my thoughts.

When people ask how he's doing I usually tell them that the tumors are shrinking, but they always are. And they will always come back. There is no cure for him. We are just buying time.

I'm greatful for the extra 6 months we've had and I'm glad to be able to spend another holiday season with him. But it only flashes in my mind that one day, one holiday season, he will be gone.

Control

It's odd but I feel a deep tension in my being. I feel like something is about to happen but I have no idea what that might be.

The interesting contrast to this tension is the confidence in myself and my ability to see and understand those around me as well as seeing one step ahead in the general everyday sequence of events.

The feeling is like a churning mass of energy that is tightly contained within the vicinity of my heart at the moment but I feel it building. It will either result in the yin or yang of positive or negative. The general impression I'm getting is that it will be something I decide. Some choice is about to present itself and I have no idea what the result will be.

It's a sort of vigilant nervousness. The general inside of me feels controlled and the new blossoming confidence is calm, watching and deciding. But the child like energy growing in my core is about to burst out and I don't know if that in itself can be controlled.

My experience tells me that I need to have faith that it will be okay as long as I keep my head. But, I wish I knew what was causing this.

I'm quite sure this will make little sense to those around me and so I don't voice it and I wait.

We shall see what happens.

Don't Panic

I'm taking a breather from the community for a while. I'm not mad at anyone or having issues with the community in any way.

I feel the urge to focus on my life in a way that is not so sexually charged.

For those that read this blog, I will still be posting but you can certainly expect a more vanilla vein of interest and focus for the next little while.

I've learned recently that disappearing can cause quite the upset and I'm hoping to avoid that with this post. Anyone with questions should feel free to contact me.