Clarity

As I've had time to more fully digest the new realizations I've had, there is more clarity that I now have to better verbalize my thoughts.

The main focus of the edge play workshop was to know yourself intimately and figure out the limits that need pushing. Looking deeply into my psyche I realized that my limits were emotional ones.

My general experiences and reactions have mostly been either all or nothing when it comes to emotional boundaries. My urge to be in a committed relationship was one where I could impulsively let go all the way. This was unhealthy for me to aspire to. Not finding and exploring a balance ensured that the relationship I truly one day hope for would never come to fruition.

When I isolated myself it was out of fear. A sort of defense mechanism was reactivated that I used before entering the scene. As I observed myself and my interactions with others I found that I had reverted. This state is so unsatisfactory that I realized I need to change, no matter which way, because the way I feel during such isolation was not what I really want or need.

When I first entered the scene I was excited and open to almost everything, but the fear that I couldn't control the intensity of my emotions whispered into my subconscious and honestly freaked me out.

I truly want to be able to find intimacy and connection while still having some balance and control over the depth of said emotions. I've seen through observation and a little experience that finding this balance creates a fuller and more rich human experience.

When I find that person whom I will eventually fall deeply in love with it will be a choice and I will enter that relationship with eyes open with no fear or desperate attachment.

What I hope for currently as I explore, is to be taught and guided about the level of service and submission that fulfills me. I hope to love and feel a connection with a proposed person or persons without falling in love. I've found that the key for me will be to check in with myself frequently and make sure that there is still an internal balance and adjust accordingly if there isn't. Verbally talking and sharing my mental state and allowing me to see myself entirely without bias or judgment is vital.

One thing I would not allow myself to accept previously, is that I know and trust myself well enough to see potential dangers. I am capable of self protection in a way that will not take my psyche down a destructive and harmful path. I hope to challenge and push this ability to confirm and strengthen this healthy trait.

I've said before that I attempt to make the correct decisions in the moment without obsessing about the outcome or future in the hopes that those decisions will eventually lead to new realizations and a deeper life experience.

To Play or not to Play

I've just gotten back from the biggest kinky event of the year. My mind is finally clear in a way that I haven't felt since I first started in the scene.

I didn't play once. I felt proud that I can indeed resist playing. And, I felt tormented having passed up so many great opportunities to play.

I went to several work shops and had several breakthroughs. The point to know your self intimately and be able to communicate well was pounded into my head over and over. I came to a shining realization about what my needs are.

I am an inherently emotional person. That's a fact about myself. And it's a good thing I believe. I have a great deal of love and empathy to share and the mental side of playing is so much more intense for me. Having accepted this and embracing it has allowed me to resolve the inner conflict within me. I've felt as of late a need to change that particular fact and deciding against that kind of change has in turn allowed me to verbalize what I need in the future to accommodate and fulfill this need.

Having the feeling that I need to be in love has been all consuming for so long. I now know that I am honestly not prepared for the pressures and the emotional depths that showering all of my love on one individual entails.

I am fully capable of spreading that love around as long as I have some sort of support network that I can touch base with and receive the empathic and active listening that I enjoy embodying.

Because playing is like a drug to me, I've also found that I will need a steady flow. The ideal would be one or two individuals to play with regularly, time permitting. And then playing with others just for some light hearted fun. I need some sort of connection and it doesn't have to be a relationship or even a significantly deep connection, there just has to be something there.

I haven't quite figured out how to 'reject' offers from those I don't wish to play with, at least not in that moment.

I also prefer playing with experienced individuals who have experienced the gambit of different bottoms in the scene and won't be surprised about what ever 'stuff' is brought to the surface while playing with me.

Whew. That's it for the moment. We'll see how long this realization lasts and weather or not this clarity will perservear.

Whoops

Situations of situations!

We have a few friends with birthdays this month and my roommate decided to throw an impromptu surprise party for said friends.

As the evening progressed and the preparations came to an end, we decided that is would be a brilliant idea to hide all 50 people by shoving them in the walkway between one of my other roommates' and my rooms. Now, 50 people need much more space then offered. So they all wandered into our bedrooms. As they all congregated and the party continued, I suddenly remembered that I had several compromising items casually laying about my room.

My personal dildo, handcuffs, several books on BDSM and a few bundles of rope all strategically placed on the floor next to my bed.

Needless to say I was outed to nearly 50 people. My face was a shade similar to my 'other' cheeks after a nice beating.

All I could do was not mention it and hope they were all too intoxicated to notice. A few people casually brought it up, most said nothing. Several guys seemed compelled to engage me in explicit conversations after the yelling of surprise...

Oops.

The Joy of Service

After a wonderful tea party at my friend Chris's house, everyone present decided to have a pleasant outing to the local corner store. Chris was mentioning how he would need to change his dress shoes to walking shoes.

I looked at him and smiled. Now, Chris and I have a unique understanding about each other that doesn't require the spoken word. He knows about my tendencies and he got this little smirk on his face.

In the sternest voice he could muster he ordered me to go to his room and "Attempt to select the correct pair of shoes," that he wanted to wear. He said there were two possibility and he wanted to see if I would choose the correct ones. I calmed myself internally and mentally focused on the task at hand. Like a small excited child I bounced up and ran up the stairs.

I knelt near his closet and after much debating, chose the pair of shoes that matched what he was wearing as apposed to the pair that he would most likely choose. When I came down with them I could tell I had chosen incorrectly by the expression on his face. With another smirk however he said, "Put them on for me."

He sat down in a tall backed ornate chair and crossed one leg at the knee. His slacks fell nicely. His silk Windsor knotted tie shifted to the side slightly as he propped his chin between his thumb, index and middle finger, his elbow resting on the arm of the chair. Kneeling in front of him and looking up at his casual expression and demeanor, I have to admit (I got a little wet). An odd thing to have happen with my gay friend whom I've known since childhood. I focused on his feet and attempted to be as unnoticeable as possible. He continued having a conversation with our other friend who was watching everything.

When I completed the task he stood and grabbed his pea coat. Nothing was said about what had happened. I followed behind him and contemplated the whole thing. The amusing part was our friend started being excessively accommodating by opening doors and holding burdensome items; something quite unusual for him.

We all had an amused grin for quite some time after.

The Progression

I've stopped playing all together. And while it's incredibly frustrating, it's easier.

While playing is awesome, I let go to some extent and I love the feelings that go on inside of me, immediately after I feel deeply sad, even with excellent after care. I know that this is important to me and I have learned oodles about myself and how to play better. But the playing casually is draining.

I have this fantasy of finding a ridiculously awkward and unattractive guy that I flirt mercilessly with, grab his cock and let him clumsily fuck me. Right after I roll over and run away in the fantasy. I'm not sure what it means, maybe it's me being emotionally S/M.

To some extent playing makes me feel the same way after. I don't really care about the person and they don't actually care for me either. I feel like it cheapens the whole intimate experience and that when it does come time to have meaningful D/s with some one I care for and even love, that all there will be floating in my mind are these cheep and cold experiences. I worry I might even leave the scene all together. The thought has crossed my mind on occasion.

Cliches

I am a firm believer that cliches are truths spoken too regularly by those who do not fully comprehend their meaning thus making them 'cliches'.

The one new truth "Learn to love yourself" is the one I have recently come to comprehend. I believe I am beginning to have a love affair with myself. I picture my inner me being kissed lovingly on the forehead by me. Yes, it is a strange concept.

I was thinking on all of the couples I've known who were genuinely in love with each other and how they in turn love those around them peacefully. The security of being loved by another removes all of the trepidation and loneliness thereby allowing them the confidence to love others without fear of loss.

When I think about it, it seems a healthy out look. I care for myself in a way that I would a lover. I think of what is best for me and I sacrifice for me. I am submissive and leader at the same time. I could see this leading into a more balanced and loving relationship with an external person.

And in turn I see how I love others without attachment, jealousy, or fear. I feel connected and see the goodness in others without needing that understanding in return because I have found that acceptance in myself with myself.

The Etiquette of Closed Doors

This evening I was constructing a pencil skirt from a pair of beloved pants to wear for the pan sexual party this Saturday. I was so struck with my creativeness I was exclaiming things like "Awesome!" and "Sweet!" to myself alone in my bed room.

Towards the end I had the entire outfit on and I was turning circles in the mirror to make sure everything fit well. When unbeknownst to me my roommate, struggling the most with my new found recreational activities, wandered in asking a question about jumper cables.

I turned around in surprise and we both just stood there in stunned silence. His eyes were stuck on a particular part of my anatomy. He was completely still. I was trying so hard not to laugh I almost dislocated a rib.

Unfortunately my barely restrained and jiggly bosom gave me away. In a deep voice that I almost didn't catch, he exclaimed,

"Whoa...Boobies".

Boobies?! I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing and attempted to show some semblance of modesty by shielding myself. We both turned away from each other and he disappeared like The Flash.

Maybe next time he'll knock...Maybe not.

Never Ever Say Never

While speaking with several friends over the past week, I've noticed a trend. Most of them have had certain realizations about themselves that they swore would never come to be. This caused me to stop and ponder my own limits.

After having a deep and empathic conversation with my friend who knows me on the most mentally intimate level, I found myself blurting out things that revolutionized my proposed belief systems. We were discussing how he responded to the male figures in his life at the tender age of 5 and how it was obviously a foreshadowing for his current acceptance of his homosexuality.

I was comparing how I related to both sexes as a young child as well and how that was consistent with my acknowledged bisexuality today.

While speaking I noted how, with women I was always comfortable exploring sexual things. It was gentle, safe and frankly easy. I greatly care for women and feel a simple mutually understood empathic connection with them. The emotional connection is easily attained, more rounded and all encompassing than is possible with a man.

With men, it is an intoxicating and frankly terrifying draw that is full of intense exploration and obsessive abandon. It lacks the ease of immediate connection, but the simplicity that a man offers is a pleasing balance to the many contradictions and complications of myself. Eventually with a man the understood connection becomes deeper and feels more primal than with a woman.

This acknowledgment then progressed towards contemplations I've recently been touching on regarding my interactions with a married couple. When I first played with them it seemed to confirm that I would never be poly.

Their deep love for each other left me as an observer more than as an equal contributor.

I am more than comfortable with this form of a relationship because I see the benefit I offer in being involved with them to this limited extent. I also see that with the both of them together there is a pleasing balance. He offers the male simplicity and solidity. She acts as an emotional confidant sharing in the same journey. However, it is understood that this particular situation would not be enough to satisfy me long term.

Knowing myself well enough and standing back watching how I interact with them, I have come to realize that I would be more than capable of being in a triad where all parties involved loved each other as equally as possible. Granted, the love would be different since no two people are the same. And with open communication I could the see inevitable jealousy working itself out. It would take very particular people.

But I now conceive that, it is possible.

Amusing

I stumbled acrossed this while on Fetlife and it made me chuckle. I thought I'd post it here to amuse.