Ameliroation

I am relatively inexperienced when it comes to sex. Let me clarify, before recently I'd only had a coerced fucking with my boss more than 6 years ago and a smattering of awkward grabby semi passionate fondlings with various persons.

I thought I needed passionate, fuck like dogs, 'take me' sex in-order to reach climax. Recently I've begun letting someone into my life who is deeply caring, honest and one of the best communicators I've ever interacted with.

The sex was not good. I couldn't figure out why. And then we talked.

Mind altering surprise, I found that he wanted to connect with me, to actually make tender love.

What?!

I mean honestly, I've never met a man who wanted to make tender love to me, and connect. And I never let myself conceive that it would ever, I mean ever, happen. Now, I knew I would fall in love and that a man would fall in love with me some day. But I had convinced myself that gentle caring sex was something fictional men wanted and that such interactions from a flesh and blood man would be a compromise for what they believed I wanted. And since what I really want is what they want, I just concluded that it would never happen and it was silly to even contemplate it.

I don't think I'll ever be the same again after that night. My heart feels like a wet towel being wrung dry when I think about how he touched me. The expression in his eyes floored me. I'm frightened by how bonded I feel to him now.

But I also feel lucky to have been slapped in the face and waggled a finger at about my misconceptions.

Recap

As I sit here listening to Dubstep, smelling the Playa wafting through my room (because I refuse to clean it off my stuff) wearing a bright orange sarong and burning sage I can't help but feel the confidence surge.

What I learned at Burning Man is that you can make it what ever you want it to be. And for me it was a glimpse into my personal utopia. The fact that it can indeed exist, was created by random people and contributed to by me makes me feel as though I can carry it with me everywhere. It's been a little over a week and I still feel the personal power, confidence, creativity, and general sense of community. When I feel it start to dissipate I speak about it to someone or smell my jar of dust and it all comes flooding back.

And what's more is I can tap into a raw creativity and self perpetuating positiveness that I've never conceived of before. The day to day challenges of life, relationships, bills etc. all seem manageable because of my deep knowledge of who I am and what I want. It's like a light switch has been flicked.

I understand how semi-hippie this all sounds but I truly mean it. The amazing part as well is that when I express these things, people around me understand to some degree. Even my conservative family completely support me in this new shift. My mother actually meant it when she said my art was amazing with no words of critique. Honestly that's all I've ever wanted from her.

Virgin Burner

*Cracking knuckles* Okay, Burning Man...

Hm... I have no idea how to describe what I experienced, what I felt, what I did and what it was like.

All I know is that when everyone said "Welcome Home" they were right.

I left a little piece of myself there, is this what love feels like? lol