Not so good turned good

The other evening my roommate came home for the first time ever with immediate explosive anger directed towards me. With me cornered in a room and his spittle landing at my feet I went completely still inside.

My first reaction was shock immediately followed by protective anger. I'm experienced enough with these left field instances from different areas of my life, that I knew to remain mostly silent and listen to what he said for the underlying cause of his anger. His issues were correct and something that should have been broached much sooner. I had vague inklings that things were about to come to a head but with his passive aggressive demeanor I was blind sided with the intensity of his emotions.

I do not excuse his unskilled actions and in fact find several deep seated things about him extremely challenging to be around. Bringing these things up however, would be asking him to change his very nature and that is not my responsibility. I accept him for who he is and recognize the good things he brings to the household, knowing that this line of thinking is what's necessary for living in any sort of community.

Several hours later I was stewing. Wading through the emotions of; anger, self righteousness, guilt, humiliation, vindictiveness and sorrow- I devised a plan.

Understanding conflict resolution, I made amends. First I created an apology letter and purchased a peace offering, then I made a solution list, next I put the list into action and I promised that such situations would never happen again. And then I let it go, for my own peace.

Recognizing my tendency towards wading through my emotional torrent as of late, I came to realize that his anger was more than the situation. I have been neglecting my life and my own responsibilities while wallowing.

It snapped me out of it. I've put aside my internal circular thought habits for the moment, and have begun taking better care of myself and those around me. My tension bleeds onto those I interact with and taints the general energy. Meditating today I showed myself the gentle glow of calm.

Today has been a nice break from the past week. And again I realize I am responsible for my own peace or lack there of.

My War

I feel the continual battle I have within myself slowly taking over again.

Feelings of isolation, loneliness and deep sadness. I see it most clearly when I step to the side and observe how those I am interacting with do not reach my growing high standards. As I set rules and gauging clues, seek out projected deceptions, and feel dissatisfied with those people- I can conceptualize the greasy talons of darkness wrapping around my heart.

This lightless hole that I wedge myself into is extremely oppressive. I dread this spot. And I ask myself why I am here once more.

Ask anyone what their pet peeves are about people, and you have an instant clue, a telling sign of the things they haven't admitted to themselves that they embody.

Knowing this constant, I then conclude that I myself am not measuring up. That these judgments and disgruntled feelings I have for others are in fact the things I feel for myself.

When I feel the war within, I am tormented with my own question of how to get out. I see the impending doom and I want to fight it, but the weight is so heavy it makes me want to rest. I know what the answer is though.

I have to show myself happiness and acceptance. Offer a smile of wisdom and a hug of compassion. I know I cannot find these things externally because my first gut response would be to reject it and quickly fortify myself within a steal shield.

These are the things I've seen myself do well:

I can listen to others compassionately and with great equanimity. I can smile in a way that causes others to instantly knee jerk smile in return. I can walk into a room full of people with openness and confidence. I can speak easily and fluidly with strangers. I know the answers to questions. I have felt such deep acceptance of myself that others opinions, good or bad, do not effect this acceptance.

Writing these words to read in the future may help me crawl back up that hill.

I see the light already.

Life

Laying on the roof soaking up the latter part of the sun I was gazing at the vastness of the sky. I really saw it. My thoughts were gentle. I appreciated what I was experiencing.

The most of the day today was spent sitting in several manicured low lit offices keeping my father company as he was put through his paces, one test after another. The people were pleasant, coolly professional, with genuine attempts at compassion. My father and I spoke little, enjoying each others company. I felt calm but sad. His cancer is back.

Eight months ago he had a prognosis of less than six months. Through the gauntlet of emotions and the deep sadness at our impending loss the news came that the cancer was gone. We all held our breaths as we waited for someone to say 'oh, wait...'.

The day before fathers day he began coughing up blood. A few tests later, our world was rocked again.

Surprisingly though, this time is easier.

At lunch today my father and I had the deepest conversation recorded in our 26 years of acquaintance. We were candid with each other, I asked him point blank questions I never would have before. We talked about our fears, they were identical in fact. He said he wished my little brother would 'cut loose more often'. It wasn't said but I know he was talking about me too. I wished I could let him in on the crazy shit I've been up to.

He instructed me that at his memorial, only funny stories were to be told. We laughed at the recollection I had of his wild hair to put up a 7 foot in diameter satellite dish he'd gotten for a dollar. He had decided to place it in the center of our treacherous hill in the dead of winter in the middle of a gale. We almost died that day. The dish doled only one channel, Baliwood.

He talked about my future. Three months ago I had a list a mile long detailing all that I required and sought after. Now? I have no idea. And to be honest, I'm quite fine with that. My focus now is learning about and being me.

I've seen how the things that come out of my mouth as of late are cliches and poetry.

Odd that.

I've found a sort of peace, something I thought I'd never find in this torrent of emotions. But coupled with that is a deep sadness. Not a depression mind you, it's mostly affable in nature. When speaking to him today, I see that he is there as well.