Who am I?
This is the question I've asked since the age of 21 when I first set off on my own. What do I believe, what are my standards, how do I perceive the world?
My lofty goal of self discovery was one I'd seen others take and I felt it was the natural order of things to follow on my own.
So I stubbornly went for it, I dove into every demographic, every perception shift possible, submerged myself completely. I lost myself. Determined to try every piece of 'clothing' on I let go of what I knew, and what I believed. Eventually becoming obsessed with the thoughts and feelings of others. In my attempt to understand I forced myself to fit into one mold after another.
What did I learn?
I already knew who I was, what I believed, what my standards are and how I perceive the world. I've come full circle, and I'm not quite convinced that it was time well spent.
How did I arrive at these conclusions?
My life was falling apart the same as it always does every few years. Work was in chaos, everyone around me had an ulterior motive, loved ones were dissatisfied with me; I was dissatisfied with me. In the past picking up and starting again always seemed the right solution. I felt as if I was perhaps not leading the life I was meant to and needed a change. To some degree this thinking was correct but not for the reasons I was rationalizing.
My biggest realization occurred when I mentally tore myself from the twirling depths of mental chaos. I sat quietly and regrouped. Taking it all in, I realized that with all aspects of my life falling apart, the one constant was myself. I was the cause, my behavior was the catalyst.
Knowing this I didn't know what to do next. So, I meditated for days and sat with it non judgmentally.
And then I stopped caring about how others perceived me. I started following my internal code of ethics. I did the cliche and followed my gut.
Things changed rapidly. My life began to fall into order. Not running away, staying put and facing what was happening... I can't explain it fully, but it worked this time. I felt confidence bloom. I knew who I was and what I believed deep down.
Reflecting on it more... it was who I've always been.
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Who am I?
ReplyDeleteIt gets asked Quite a lot by a vast diversity of people. I have asked it, I ask it today, I will ask it the future.
Who am I?
The simplest form of the answer is - a collection of experiences, good, da, indifferent; that have moved my forward through space and time to this point here and now, writing this response to your post. That is who I am, who I will be and who I was all at the same time.
Who am I?
Ingeneral terms, I have always bee a leader. In High School, I was the one who decided where my friends and I would spend the day; movies, mall, or just hanging out. In the Army as a Military Police Officer, I rose to the position of Team Leader for our post's Special Operations Response Team, or anti-terrorist team, a postion usually held by someone with a higher rank. In civilian life, I am now the highest level in my job where I want to be.
Who am I?
I am all that I have been; childe (spelled correctly), squire, knight. All of my experiences; love, hate, insecurities, safety, joy, torment, rapture, depression, passion, despair, knowledge, stupidity, cunning, and witlessness. All of these things at one point in time created an experience for me to learn from, to grow from, to move forward from. They are essential to who I am.
Who am I?
I am what other's preceive of me, for while I am me, they se a "me" that is unique to them and this too is "me". To my boss and co-workers, I am a hard worker, who always manages to fix every problem that arrives knocking at the door. To my fellow gamers, I am a decent competitor, a challenge to smoe, a pushover to others. To my family, I am the quiet cousin, who arrives from places unknown during family events, talks with everyone, mingles, and then poof, gone again for points unknown.
To you, I am...
Who am I?