Choices

I'm feeling infinitely insecure at the moment.

I haven't been writing for a while because I was involved with a man whom I eventually fell in love with. The problem was that he is and will forever be poly. I have little to no experience with relationships and was unsure as to whether or not I myself could be poly as well.It made sense on paper and I could see and understand the benefits in such a lifestyle. I gave it a shot with the assumption that he would not change and it was a test to see if I was capable of such a dynamic.

This is what happened. I read the book Ethical Slut and I coached myself through my jealousy. I became acutely aware of any insecurities I had and I worked through them relying on the security of my place with him. But when the jealousy continued to pop up in my head and I continually had to coach myself, I started to get a little crazy and question why I was doing this. I kept coming back to the fact that I loved him.Then I saw him get jealous a few times and I realized that this was something I was going to have to deal with forever if I so chose.

When I thought about any sort of future I freaked the fuck out, every single time. That couldn't be good right? I realized that I'd be giving up a lot. I want a partner in life, someone to make serious decisions with, someone who knows me inside and out, who will point out things no one else has the guts too, someone to raise a family with. Someone for whom we are each others everything. And while this may be something attainable in polyamory I realized that, in this relationship, it wasn't possible.

I realized he was not allowing himself to be fully capable of that deeper connection. He was addicted to the new relationship energy. I have a decided dislike for that part of relationships and honestly, it's so fleeting. My life has always revolved around comfort and when I finally got to know someone well enough I wanted to stay in that spot. When we were together I thought of no one else. He always had his mind out there thinking about the next one. That is where the big difference made it's self apparent. I was content with just one.

Honestly, I knew that should he attempt to maintain several relationships, that I would be neglected. He once said I was spoiled from all of the undivided attention I was receiving, and I thought to myself, 'No, I'm getting what I deserve in a relationship'.

Mind you, this is in no way a 'dis' on polyamory. It is just another way of thinking and approaching relationships that doesn't work for me. It's a difference in philosophy.

When I made the choice for sanity and had an in depth conversation with him...well, I felt confident. I was making the right decision for me. Now, I don't know.

I miss him more than anything but I know I still need time apart to reconnect with me. I know that were I to be around him again so soon I would attempt to convince myself of something other than the truth. I've learned how to let someone in, what my insecurities are, how to communicate efficiently etc. But now I feel lost and even though I've grown from the experience I don't know where to go from here.