Greasy High Fives

The mopies are setting in again. Slowly this time. I have this image of myself wearing a lab coat and taped black rimmed glasses, holding a clip board and checking off boxes with a number 2 pencil.

I have somehow maintained a sort of objective observation of my minds path. I've found that after a play session, about two days later, I feel disconnected from people in general. Either I don't want to put the effort in to make good conversation, or I mentally push others away from me. The funny thing is I feel a sort of desperation for unsolicited external confirmation of my self worth.

Last night my roommate had a wild hair and decided that 10:30pm is the perfect time to change his fuel filter on his truck. I suddenly felt compelled to go down and see how he was attempting to accomplish this task. He was wedged under the chassis with his head lamp on. He was cursing at the slippery bolts and the trickling gas landing on his face. I laughed inside, plopped down next to him on the darkened street and started handing him tools before he asked for them. He was a little surprised that I knew what he needed. But was so focused, he continued with his mission. He briefly said 'thanks dude' and we dirty high-fived at the end.

That was it. That was all I needed. A chance to help and a pat on the back. Getting out of my head and simply helping seems to be the trick. It doesn't have to be something huge either, just cleaning the house, working diligently at my job, stopping at a crosswalk etc. These things bring me back.

I have to sort of force myself to get out and do these things, but they make me feel good inside after. It's almost like playing focuses a lot of attention on me and starts to monopolize how my mind processes and keeps the focus internal. I have to take that wonderful energy offered during play, appreciate it and then turn it out wards.

I hope this isn't a false epiphany. Only time will tell.