Life

Laying on the roof soaking up the latter part of the sun I was gazing at the vastness of the sky. I really saw it. My thoughts were gentle. I appreciated what I was experiencing.

The most of the day today was spent sitting in several manicured low lit offices keeping my father company as he was put through his paces, one test after another. The people were pleasant, coolly professional, with genuine attempts at compassion. My father and I spoke little, enjoying each others company. I felt calm but sad. His cancer is back.

Eight months ago he had a prognosis of less than six months. Through the gauntlet of emotions and the deep sadness at our impending loss the news came that the cancer was gone. We all held our breaths as we waited for someone to say 'oh, wait...'.

The day before fathers day he began coughing up blood. A few tests later, our world was rocked again.

Surprisingly though, this time is easier.

At lunch today my father and I had the deepest conversation recorded in our 26 years of acquaintance. We were candid with each other, I asked him point blank questions I never would have before. We talked about our fears, they were identical in fact. He said he wished my little brother would 'cut loose more often'. It wasn't said but I know he was talking about me too. I wished I could let him in on the crazy shit I've been up to.

He instructed me that at his memorial, only funny stories were to be told. We laughed at the recollection I had of his wild hair to put up a 7 foot in diameter satellite dish he'd gotten for a dollar. He had decided to place it in the center of our treacherous hill in the dead of winter in the middle of a gale. We almost died that day. The dish doled only one channel, Baliwood.

He talked about my future. Three months ago I had a list a mile long detailing all that I required and sought after. Now? I have no idea. And to be honest, I'm quite fine with that. My focus now is learning about and being me.

I've seen how the things that come out of my mouth as of late are cliches and poetry.

Odd that.

I've found a sort of peace, something I thought I'd never find in this torrent of emotions. But coupled with that is a deep sadness. Not a depression mind you, it's mostly affable in nature. When speaking to him today, I see that he is there as well.