The passage of time

One heart heals faster than another's and I'm a bit of an idiot.

I don't regret the time I gave myself in his company to find answers to lingering questions, but I do regret not appreciating my vulnerability. Believing I can handle more than I'm actually able to handle seems to be a frighteningly present theme as of late.

Looking back and comparing with the present I found that there was more than the poly that chafed. It's comforting and sad to find that it still might have ended had the particular challenge of poly not been there.

But there was something to be gained by everything. As a child through to adult hood I watched as my mother stripped my father of his manhood. As the middle child and always the peace maker, I was confidant to both and I came to the conclusion that my mother's motivations were unhealthy but that she had settled in many ways.

Unbeknownst to me, I had inadvertently chosen someone who was almost and exact duplicate of my father. What I achieved from the relationship was something unexpected. I was allowed to heal the injustice that my father was never given, and I did not make the same mistake my mother made.

Deemed the turtle, as one close friend often references me so symbolically, I move in my own time. I have little urge to engage in yet another trying and emotionally complicated endeavor i.e relationship. Rather, I prefer to find my grounding again. To reflect and stabilize. Unlike the turtle though, I am not fully ensconced in the shell and choose to allow my sensitive underbelly to remain elevated and exposed.

The most challenging of this whole experience is the loneliness and ever present sex drive screaming in my ear. Part of me cringes to admit it publicly but I know that others feel and have felt as I do right now. The sobering realization I've seen is that I am no different than other women. I have the same emotional challenges and instinctive urges and although I am unique as an individual, I must realize that I am still quite human.

The loneliness can be sated with friends and adventures. The sex drive will just have to wait yet again. Only once have I been led by my sexual urges and it was firmly put in it's place. For the most part I act quite rationally and rarely follow a whim. It's served me quite well in the past and I will encourage it to do so in the future.

I appreciate having learned that I am indeed capable of letting down walls and I feel an evolution happening within, a blossoming I once thought snuffed. I've also learned that the 'blossom' needs a vigilant eye. I will never regret the decisions I have made as they always reveal their purpose in time.

Most important of all, I've learned to trust and am forever greatfull for it.