Letting Go

It's a strange moment when I realize that my body isn't mine anymore.

We've been hanging out as friends. I could feel the desire to have more constantly fraying at my nerves. He knew this either consciously or subconsciously and toyed with that knowledge consistently.

Tonight I finally accepted that I am not in control.

I even masturbated before going over for the evening. I let it be what it was and enjoyed watching a movie, eating pizza and laughing at laughable things. He would touch me or just look at me in 'that way'. I can't help what happens to me. I'm so susceptible to the tiniest changes with him.

I've fought it for so long. When he starts 'things' I submit immediately. When he stops I switch back to friend mode. I suddenly realized the freedom in letting him lead where the evening flowed.

I have been in control of myself for so long, I didn't realize that it was okay to let go. It's truly what I've been constantly trying to achieve. I feel so comfortable in his presence and I trust him completely. He reads me better than even my best friends because he knows an even more intimate side of me.

The grasping that I've felt since the 'break up' has finally passed. I find myself enjoying this new dynamic for many different reasons. Granted, it's not the same as the previous one, but I still feel content and that my needs are being met.

Here's to hoping I trust myself well enough to know if things need evolving again.

In these moments, I'm happy. That's what matters honestly.