Escape

Leaving work early with the kindness of my co-workers; I drove, distraught, to the Emergency room. My father had been coughing up blood for several weeks. He hadn't mentioned it until the volume was significant. The oncologist insisted that he go.

When I arrived, I sat with my parents and struggled maintaining my strength. I quietly listened as the conversation stayed light and I watched as the fear shimmered like disturbed puddles of water  over my fathers face. When my mother thought no one was looking I saw the depths of sadness fighting to break free flash in her eyes. She told me that she doesn't cry for fear of the damn breaking.

Five hours later I was exhasted. We had no answers but they released him, only to return for chemo the following day. As I was driving to my friends' house for a drink, I had a lit cigarette between my fingers. I'd only taken one drag when the sobbing started. My heart. It felt like it was going to burst. I couldn't stop the hurting and the weird animal sounds escaping my contorted mouth only made it more severe. The cigarette burned to the filter without another drag.

I was quiet when I arrived at the house. Then we decided to go work out.

When I arrived at the foreign gym I was drawn to the elliptical like it was a life line.   I dropped my jacket on the floor and clamored on. The awkwardness of my feet slipping, my hands searching for a comfortable place and the sporadic beating of my heart is always frustrating. My mind was  a swirling vortex like the tornado in the Wizard of Oz. 

Slowly I fell into a rhythm .  I felt my body come alive. The back of my mind observed each muscle group sliding and straining. The rest of my mind was still. I felt the beads of sweat tickle as they glided down my skin. I felt my lungs burn in that pleasant way. The half hour passed so quickly I went for more. An hour later my legs felt like jello. I thought I felt the floor shifting beneath my feet.

I felt better.