Tragedy

My phone rang again at 3am for the second time. Upon answering it I heard the frantic voice of my sister yelling "Mom is dead! Mom died! You need to come home." At first I was silent and then the yelling began. I made her repeat it over and over to me. I wanted to shake her shoulders and force her to stop lying to me.


Mom? Not Dad. Dead?

I hung up the phone. Every part of me was shaking. I could barely move. I dialed the one person I knew who was awake at that hour who would drive me 50 miles to the country. I couldn't say the words because then it would be true. He said he'd be there immediately.

I started packing a bag. I was going through my laundry and couldn't figure out what I needed. I was standing in the middle of a pile of clothes on the floor clutching a dirty shirt, half naked I collapsed with my head pressed to the floor on my knees and sobbed uncontrollably until I heard the knock on the door.

She had a massive heart attack unexpectedly. It was either from the stress of dad or from her recent bronchitis, or both. No one will ever know.

My whole world has changed. I miss my mother more than words can express. Oddly I feel strong. I break down from time to time and I have this deeply calm sadness within. My world is paused right now.

I fear entering the real world again. Wondering what sort of challenges the neglect of this past week may have set me up for.

One thought that keeps popping up in my head is that my little brother was the only one home with my father and had to do chest compressions for 15min before help arrived. She was gone before then and there was no way to help, but I can see the torment of that moment playing over and over in his head. I see him retreating inside. He's so young. I hate that he had to have that memory and has to somehow figure out how to processes what happened on his own.

I find myself feeling the sadness of everyone and I haven't had a chance to feel my own.

Dad is doing so much worse since then and he's aged physically by 20 years. All my siblings know that we will soon be our only family. I've been an adult for quite a while now, but now I'm on my own.

It was my mother’s final gift. Her death allowed us to step up and come together and it made my father feel ready to pass.

So much sadness seems like it would be too much to bear. But, somehow I'll make it through this