My War

I feel the continual battle I have within myself slowly taking over again.

Feelings of isolation, loneliness and deep sadness. I see it most clearly when I step to the side and observe how those I am interacting with do not reach my growing high standards. As I set rules and gauging clues, seek out projected deceptions, and feel dissatisfied with those people- I can conceptualize the greasy talons of darkness wrapping around my heart.

This lightless hole that I wedge myself into is extremely oppressive. I dread this spot. And I ask myself why I am here once more.

Ask anyone what their pet peeves are about people, and you have an instant clue, a telling sign of the things they haven't admitted to themselves that they embody.

Knowing this constant, I then conclude that I myself am not measuring up. That these judgments and disgruntled feelings I have for others are in fact the things I feel for myself.

When I feel the war within, I am tormented with my own question of how to get out. I see the impending doom and I want to fight it, but the weight is so heavy it makes me want to rest. I know what the answer is though.

I have to show myself happiness and acceptance. Offer a smile of wisdom and a hug of compassion. I know I cannot find these things externally because my first gut response would be to reject it and quickly fortify myself within a steal shield.

These are the things I've seen myself do well:

I can listen to others compassionately and with great equanimity. I can smile in a way that causes others to instantly knee jerk smile in return. I can walk into a room full of people with openness and confidence. I can speak easily and fluidly with strangers. I know the answers to questions. I have felt such deep acceptance of myself that others opinions, good or bad, do not effect this acceptance.

Writing these words to read in the future may help me crawl back up that hill.

I see the light already.