Last night I was intently listening to a guest speaker at a group I was attending. I was incredibly engrossed in the conversation. When, out of the blue, the gentleman reached over without looking at me and pulled a pen I was gnawing on out of my mouth and placed it on the table.
"Wha..what?" was my first thought. I went completely calm and then my mind ran like a wild banshee. Was it how I was holding the pen? Was I distracting? Was I socially inappropriate? etc. etc. Eventually I settled on - pen in mouth = bad.
A few seconds later I was once again engrossed in the conversation. Eventually my mind wandered when I was trying to decide weather or not I could pick up the pen to take notes. Suddenly I became aware that I was chewing on my fingers. I was so embarrassed that I reached for my beverage to occupy my fidgety hands, and I froze. I realized in that moment that everything I did absently, was focused on my mouth.
Smoking, lip gloss, eating, drinking, my fingers, chewing random stuff, the popsicles I always have in the freezer, sucking my thumb till I was almost 11, always having gum handy, my obsession with fellatio etc.
The image of the Buddhist reference to individuals who are always searching and are constantly dissatisfied flashed in my mind. They call them 'hungry ghosts' and describe them as beings with enormous stomachs who only have pin hole mouths. They are always ravenous and always searching, never satisfied. Was I a hungry ghost?
Maybe I have an oral fixation. Well, maybe more than maybe. What does that stem from? Is it wrong? Gah! My mind went nuts. Then I thought- Maybe I'm over analyzing.
Damn Pen.
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