As a submissive I wish only to please, to learn what is expected of me and do it properly. I wish to avoid reproach and seek the smiling approval of a Dom.
But I also enjoy pain. I don't seek it out intentionally (unless playing for that purpose) and if threatened with pain I would do what is necessary to avoid it.
The balance of a hypothetical relationship with a Sadist seems to me to be a challenge. To receive the pain I would want, I would have to resort to being a "bratty sub" a sort of topping from the bottom. This idea makes me cringe.
Granted in the beginning there would be plenty of punishments as I would be learning. However, eventually I would learn and it would no longer be necessary.
Perhaps the Sadist would select things he knew I would be unable to change. Things about myself that are inherent. Still I would strive to stop these things. I could see mentally beating myself up about it. Though, that too would be another form of pain.
Such an odd balance that would be- to want approval, love and hate my failings and need but attempt to avoid pain.
Curious.
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