Too much

I feel so beat down right now...I just don't know what to do with my life. It feels as though everything has reached a head all at once and the stress of it all is so overwhelming.

I moved to this place for my first love, my dog Gwen.

She was feeling so poorly towards the end. Three days ago she wasn't able to walk. She handn't eaten in two days and she kept getting so pale. I carried her to the clinic and we started the gauntlet of test. Xrays, blood work, ultrasound, biopsies, specialists, IV fluids etc. She was anemic and her PCV kept dropping out of control. Her pancreas had a necrotic nodule, her liver was riddled with bumps her lungs were filling with an opportunistic upper respiratory disease. No one had answers and she was getting worse by the second. The medications were sky rocketing, I couldn't sleep from worry. She was hooked up to so many things and transporting her back and forth...sigh.

My whole world revolves around her and has for years now. She was so devoted to me so loyal. My very best friend. A surrogate child.  

The doctors thought she had Immune mediated hemolitic anemia. Her immune system was killing her. Yesterday she had an accident in the house and it was full of blood I was fretting over that when she stumbled looked at me in fear and confusion and collapsed. I threw her in the car, rushed to the clinic. Her liver had failed her kidneys were failing, she was breathing so hard. They wanted to do a blood transfusion. Then the oncologist said she had some sort of infiltrative sarcoma, untreatable cancer, that was hitting every system.

It's so much like my fathers situation.

She was so out of it and I was sobbing. My heart. I felt like I was dying. At some point Gwen and I had an intense moment. We were very in tune with each other. I told her it was okay to let go. A few moments later she started to crash. We barely had enough time to euthanize her before the died. She was so scared. In so much pain. And she was gone from my life forever.

When I got home the carbon monoxide alarm was going off. I'd had a leak of some sort. My fish and plants were all dead and I had no where to go. All I wanted was a shower. The bank called. I'm more than poor at this moment. Then the poly thing came up. I have to talk to my partner's partner. I feel so much love for him, I'm working on it. I feel so much empathy for everyone else involved it effects my physiologically. Everyone is confused about things with eachother. Worried about motivations and feelings. I stress over so much of it that I can't control.

I feel like I'm walking in some sort of cloud. As if, should I take a second to look at everything, my whole world will disintegrate.  I have understanding that things always happen at the same time. I remember someone telling me once that 'god' gives you as much as you can handle plus a little bit more. But honestly this is too much. I'm at my base fight or flight.

But I'm staying still.

One thing at a time. Today I'll get dressed, go to work. Later I'll talk to the partner. Tomorrow I'll get a loan somewhere. Taking things in the moment is all I can do and all I have control over. I need a rest. I just want to find a protective nest where I don't have to deal with anything right now, hoping that things will work out on their own. That is just a fantasy though.

This is real life.