To Play or not to Play

I've just gotten back from the biggest kinky event of the year. My mind is finally clear in a way that I haven't felt since I first started in the scene.

I didn't play once. I felt proud that I can indeed resist playing. And, I felt tormented having passed up so many great opportunities to play.

I went to several work shops and had several breakthroughs. The point to know your self intimately and be able to communicate well was pounded into my head over and over. I came to a shining realization about what my needs are.

I am an inherently emotional person. That's a fact about myself. And it's a good thing I believe. I have a great deal of love and empathy to share and the mental side of playing is so much more intense for me. Having accepted this and embracing it has allowed me to resolve the inner conflict within me. I've felt as of late a need to change that particular fact and deciding against that kind of change has in turn allowed me to verbalize what I need in the future to accommodate and fulfill this need.

Having the feeling that I need to be in love has been all consuming for so long. I now know that I am honestly not prepared for the pressures and the emotional depths that showering all of my love on one individual entails.

I am fully capable of spreading that love around as long as I have some sort of support network that I can touch base with and receive the empathic and active listening that I enjoy embodying.

Because playing is like a drug to me, I've also found that I will need a steady flow. The ideal would be one or two individuals to play with regularly, time permitting. And then playing with others just for some light hearted fun. I need some sort of connection and it doesn't have to be a relationship or even a significantly deep connection, there just has to be something there.

I haven't quite figured out how to 'reject' offers from those I don't wish to play with, at least not in that moment.

I also prefer playing with experienced individuals who have experienced the gambit of different bottoms in the scene and won't be surprised about what ever 'stuff' is brought to the surface while playing with me.

Whew. That's it for the moment. We'll see how long this realization lasts and weather or not this clarity will perservear.