Clarity

As I've had time to more fully digest the new realizations I've had, there is more clarity that I now have to better verbalize my thoughts.

The main focus of the edge play workshop was to know yourself intimately and figure out the limits that need pushing. Looking deeply into my psyche I realized that my limits were emotional ones.

My general experiences and reactions have mostly been either all or nothing when it comes to emotional boundaries. My urge to be in a committed relationship was one where I could impulsively let go all the way. This was unhealthy for me to aspire to. Not finding and exploring a balance ensured that the relationship I truly one day hope for would never come to fruition.

When I isolated myself it was out of fear. A sort of defense mechanism was reactivated that I used before entering the scene. As I observed myself and my interactions with others I found that I had reverted. This state is so unsatisfactory that I realized I need to change, no matter which way, because the way I feel during such isolation was not what I really want or need.

When I first entered the scene I was excited and open to almost everything, but the fear that I couldn't control the intensity of my emotions whispered into my subconscious and honestly freaked me out.

I truly want to be able to find intimacy and connection while still having some balance and control over the depth of said emotions. I've seen through observation and a little experience that finding this balance creates a fuller and more rich human experience.

When I find that person whom I will eventually fall deeply in love with it will be a choice and I will enter that relationship with eyes open with no fear or desperate attachment.

What I hope for currently as I explore, is to be taught and guided about the level of service and submission that fulfills me. I hope to love and feel a connection with a proposed person or persons without falling in love. I've found that the key for me will be to check in with myself frequently and make sure that there is still an internal balance and adjust accordingly if there isn't. Verbally talking and sharing my mental state and allowing me to see myself entirely without bias or judgment is vital.

One thing I would not allow myself to accept previously, is that I know and trust myself well enough to see potential dangers. I am capable of self protection in a way that will not take my psyche down a destructive and harmful path. I hope to challenge and push this ability to confirm and strengthen this healthy trait.

I've said before that I attempt to make the correct decisions in the moment without obsessing about the outcome or future in the hopes that those decisions will eventually lead to new realizations and a deeper life experience.