The Progression

I've stopped playing all together. And while it's incredibly frustrating, it's easier.

While playing is awesome, I let go to some extent and I love the feelings that go on inside of me, immediately after I feel deeply sad, even with excellent after care. I know that this is important to me and I have learned oodles about myself and how to play better. But the playing casually is draining.

I have this fantasy of finding a ridiculously awkward and unattractive guy that I flirt mercilessly with, grab his cock and let him clumsily fuck me. Right after I roll over and run away in the fantasy. I'm not sure what it means, maybe it's me being emotionally S/M.

To some extent playing makes me feel the same way after. I don't really care about the person and they don't actually care for me either. I feel like it cheapens the whole intimate experience and that when it does come time to have meaningful D/s with some one I care for and even love, that all there will be floating in my mind are these cheep and cold experiences. I worry I might even leave the scene all together. The thought has crossed my mind on occasion.