Quiet

I keep having dreams about Gwen. For the past seven days she's entered my dreams at odd points. My first thought is that she has passed, why is she back? And then I realize that she is ill again. She keeps coming to me to die. Over and over.

I was at my families and it was interesting to step back and watch them interact. There was great debate about everything imaginable and I had a moment of clarity when I realized that this was a sort of transition in focus with my father's worsening. I didn't see before that they are suffering just as much as I am. Some part of me thought they had it more together than I did.

I had a quiet moment with my mother and we talked about my recent struggles with living alone. I see oddities in myself that are socially trying. I can feel the paranoia taking over at times. And the loneliness is definitely present.

My mother listened to my description of the dreams I've been having. She posed the question that perhaps my dreams are not actually of Gwen. We had a very candid conversation. It was nice just being honest and open.

When my sister lost her husband suddenly, she found herself on the psych ward in the hospital. A week later I asked her about the experience and surprisingly she said it was the most liberating moment of her life. Everyone there was already expected to be 'crazy' and she said that she found who she was in that place with the freedom to say and do as she wished.

My past relationship had strong emphasis on open and honest communication. I saw that it benefited in a way that allowed me to stop pondering the hidden meanings behind what was said.

I don't know what all of this means but I feel like it's connected somehow.